Most Active Discussions (3) | Big Mistake | 2 comments » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com) | | Revenge is a dish best served chilled.
E.A. Poe
By Ronald Stern | Discussions (19) | Dumb Men Jokes | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | What is the thinnest book in the world?
What men know about women.
How many men does it take screw in a light bulb?
One...men will screw anything.
How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.
Why do women rub their eyes when they when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He's breathing.
What is the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
How do you save a man from drowing?
Take your foot off his head.
What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up.
How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know... It's never happened.
How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.
What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
What does a man cnsider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Do you know why there is a hole in a man's penis?
So he can get air to his brain.
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Very à propos next time someone chooses to be offended in this Group | Add a comment » | Started by Mario L. Castellanos, Owner, MLC New Ventures - Technology, Security, Broadcast Communications, and Telecommunications Sectors | | "A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents."
--Georg Christoph Lichtenberg,
German scientist and satirist
By Mario L. Castellanos, Owner, MLC New Ventures - Technology, Security, Broadcast Communications, and Telecommunications Sectors | | English World Cup 2010 Fun | 1 comment » | Started by Nick Druce, Account Manager -- EMEA at Application Security, Inc. | | Terrific! LOL :-)
By Jaydeep Roy, Principal Research Engineer, ACE Technology, Inch'on, KOREA | | English World Cup Sense of Humor | Add a comment » | Started by Nick Druce, Account Manager -- EMEA at Application Security, Inc. | | - David Blaine is reportedly furious after England crashed out of the
World Cup - his record of doing absolutely nothing in a box for 42
days was broken by Wayne Rooney.
- The England team visited an orphanage in Cape Town today. "It's
heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Jamal,
aged six.
- I've just won two tickets to see the England team. Do you want to
come with me? We'll catch the bus to Gatwick Airport on Thursday and
watch them come home.
- I hear Oxo are making a new product. The packaging is white with a
red cross and they're calling it the laughing stock.
- What's the difference between the England team and a tea bag? The
tea bag stays in the cup longer.
- Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the
supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her
bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" To
which the old lady replied: "No way. You got yourself into this mess.
Don't ask me to sort it out!"
- What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of the World
Cup? A referee.
- Apparently that fan had no trouble slipping into the England
dressing room - Robert Green was guarding the door.
- I can't believe we only managed a draw against a rubbish team we
should easily have beaten. . . . I'm ashamed to call myself Algerian.
- What does the Englishman do when England wins the World Cup? He
switches off the Play Station.
- What's the difference between Wayne Rooney and Shrek? Shrek can save
the day.
- What's the difference between a faulty jet engine and Wayne Rooney?
The jet engine eventually stops whining.
- Three hours of football and Robert Green is still England's top scorer.
By Nick Druce, Account Manager -- EMEA at Application Security, Inc. | | Rita Rudner's 50 Facts About Men | 1 comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | 31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie "The Way We Were" twice, voluntarily.
34. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally N creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
35. If a man says, "I'll call U," N he doesn't, he didn't forget ...he didn't lose Ur number...he didn't die. He just didn't want to call U.
36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
37. Men who can eat anything they want N not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" N "I never want to see U again" might sound like a challenge. If U want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love U...I want to marry U...I want to have Ur children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, U look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, U look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."
40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button N zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button N zip in the back. We need men sexually N emotionally, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause U gain weight N get hot flashes. With male menopause, U get to date Ung girls N drive motorcycles.
47. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
50. All men would still really like to own a train set.
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Women's Revenge On Men | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | # Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
# Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and have bought jewelery.
# Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
# Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
# Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
# Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
# All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow instead of a gun.
# A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
# All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear into the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.
# Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
# Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and nerdy
# Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
# Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say, "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed. Get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
# Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor, two inches from the door.
# If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
# If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right" because he got older, got a new job, or visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
# No man is charming all the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
# When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
# When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
# Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice voluntarily.
# Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
# If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
# Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
# Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
# Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
# Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause -- you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
# Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Life University for Women-SEMINARS FOR WOMEN(Prepared and Presented by Men) | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | 1. Are You Ready to Leave?: The meaning of YES!
2. Inappropriate Rhetorical Questions (formerly titled "Honey, Do I Look Fat?")
3. Elementary Map Reading
4. Crying and Law Enforcement
5. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR
6. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours
7. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast
8. The Seven-Outfit Week
9. PMS: It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine (formerly "It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty, Deal With It")
10. Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmissions
11. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Red Lights
12. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed
13. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: Oil and Water
14. The Super Bowl: Not Just a Game, But A Sacrament
15. Telephone Translations (formerly titled "Me Too Equals I Love You")
16. How to Earn Your Own Money
17. Gift-giving Fundamentals (formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics Good")
18. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
19. Know When to Say When: The Limits of Makeup
20. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
21. We Forget Birthdays, You Forget Sports Stats: LET'S LET IT DROP
22. MYOB: Proper Response to Other Couple's Public Arguments
23. Yes, You Can Buy Condoms (formerly titled "WE learned to deal with the embarrassment")
24. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 69 Channels
25. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy
26. The Penis: His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too
27. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out
28. Commitment Schmittment (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock")
29. To Honor and Obey: Remembering the Small Print Above "I Do"
30. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House
31. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man?
Please sign up early. Seats are very limited.
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | The Answer is "No"(The question: Can men ever win?) | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | * If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
* If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum
* If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
* If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
* If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
* If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
* If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self defense.
* If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
* If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
* If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're a fag.
* If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.
* If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
* If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
* If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.
* If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
* If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Love | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | * Men always want to be a woman's first love. Women have a more subtle instinct : What they like is to be a man's last romance.
* The only way to understand a woman is to love her - and then it isn't necessary to understand her.
* " A guy knows he's in love when he wants to grow old with a woman. When he wants to stay with her in the morning .... When he starts calling sex "making love" and afterward wants a great big hug. When he loses interest in the car for a couple of days. It's that simple, I swear."
* To women, love is an occupation. To men, a preoccupation.
* A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks. A woman loses hers after four kisses.
* To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | A Perfect Couple | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple were driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?
(Scroll down for the answer.)
<Keep going>
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
****Women, stop reading here, this is the end of the joke.****
(Men, keep scrolling.)
<Men, keep on scrolling.>
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: women never listen either.
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | The MR. RIGHT Rejection Letter | 1 comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Dear [____rejectee's name here_____],
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:
[Check all those that apply]
___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.
___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.
___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.
___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.
___ Your "Putting on a few, aren't you babe?" comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of your beer gut, was inappropriate.
___ You failed the credit check.
___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___ The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
___ You still live with your parents.
___ You mention your ex-girlfriend's name more than you mention mine.
___ Three words: Size does matter.
Sincerely,
[Your name here]
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Criminal Hall of Shame | Add a comment » | Started by Aparna Ramesh K, AGM at India Insure Risk Management Services | | Every day, we are assaulted by stories of stupid people -- many of whom use their stupidity for personal gain. From time to time, though, we hear of those who strive to achieve new levels of stupidity *while* also breaking the law.
To these brave men and women -- ooops, "women and men" -- we present the highest possible honor: entry into the "Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame."
Following are their accounts ..
Kentucky (where else?): Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.
Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.
England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, showed up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realized that the tourist did not know what a "handicap" was. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics were found in the golf bag.
Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else* can you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back to her house--where she realized that the camel's name was "Otto."
Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.
Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.
(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.
(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)
(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was, (2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help..
Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house and returned to the pickup truck only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.
By Aparna Ramesh K, AGM at India Insure Risk Management Services | | Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night .....whether you're here or not."
(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Even More Office Truisms | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
The longer the title, the less important the job.
Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.
Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Even More Office Truisms | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
The longer the title, the less important the job.
Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.
Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Whoops | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | A lady manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.
“What is your name?” was the first thing she asked the new guy.
“John,” the new guy replied.
She scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name.
It breeds Familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.
I refer to my employees by their last name only … Smith, Jones, Baker … that’s all I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson.
Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”
The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”
“Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . .
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Office Truths | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.
A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.
If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?
Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.
Do not put statements in the negative form.
43% of all statistics are worthless.
A Committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but as a group decide that nothing can be done.
It's lonely at the top but you eat better.
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | What did you do with your life? | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids."
"Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates."
A few moments later a second man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers."
"Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise."
A few moments later a third man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a Military Policeman, Sir."
"Excellent my son, I have to leave for a bit, watch the gate will you?"
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