Discussions (21) | Old occupation(What happens when people of different occupations get old) | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | - Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
- Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
- Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
- Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
- Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
- Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
- Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
- Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
- Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
- Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
- Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
- Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
- Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
- Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
- Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
- Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
- Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
- Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
- Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.
- Old garagemen never die, they just retire.
- Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
- Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
- Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
- Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
- Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.
- Old investors never die, they just roll over.
- Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
- Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.
- Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
- Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
- Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
- Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
- Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.
- Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor...
- Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
- Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.
- Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
- Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.
- Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
- Old perfessers never die, they just lose their class.
- Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
- Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.
- Old policemen never die, they just cop out.
- Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on....
- Old printers never die, they're just not the type.
- Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
- Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.
- Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
- Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
- Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.
- Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.
- Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
- Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.
- Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.
- Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.
- Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.
- Old students never die, they just get degraded.
- Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
- Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.
- Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.
- Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.
- Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Message For The Manager | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
Actually, no". the man replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't, breathes the bartender. Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message." she continues, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him," she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Scotch Expert | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | A man traveling on business, walks into a local bar, sits down and asks the bartender for a shot of 25 year old scotch.
The bartender looking to have a little fun, and make a few extra dollars, pours the guy a shot of bar brand scotch.
The businessman taking his first sip, realizes this is not what he ordered, calls over the bartender. "Excuse me, do you remember what I ordered".
"Why certainly sir", says the bartender, "You wanted a shot of 25 year old scotch".
"That is correct", replies the customer. "The scotch you served, can't be more than 2 years old".
The bartender apologies, and goes off to correct his mistake. A little upset for being caught, the bartender again tries to fool his customer, by pouring him a shot of 12 year old scotch.
After his first taste of the scotch, he immediately again knew, this was not the beverage of his choice.
So once again, he calls over the bartender, to verify his drink order. "Bartender, can you tell me again what I ordered".
"Yes sir, you ordered a shot of my 25 year old scotch".
"Again that is correct". But unfortunately, the scotch you served is not more than 12 years old".
At this point he bartender is impressed, and realizes the guy is a true connoisseur of scotch whiskey, and goes off to get his 25 year old scotch.
With savoring only a few drops, the man knew he finally got what he ordered, and comments to the bartender, "Now this is, 25 year old scotch".
The local drunk who witnessed everything, turns to the businessman and says, "Hey buddy, try this drink.
The traveler not wanting any trouble, takes the glass from the drunk, and gives a taste. Immediately, the guy spits it out, and screams, "My god, this is urine".
"Thats right", says the drunk, "But How Old am I?"
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Wife Control | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | There were three guys talking in a bar. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, “well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?”
The third fellow says “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”
The first two guys were amazed. “What happened then?” They asked. She said, “get out from under the bed and fight like a man”.
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Mail Box | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”
To which she replied, “There certainly is!”
My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Blondes Changing A Light Bulb | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Three blondes got together to change a light bulb. Then one of them calls 911.
Blonde: "We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb."
Operator: "Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?"
Blonde: "Yes."
Operator: "The power in the house in on?"
Blonde: "Of course."
Operator: "And the switch is on?"
Blonde: "Yes, yes."
Operator: "And the bulb still won't light up?"
Blonde: "No, it's working fine."
Operator: "Then what's the problem?"
Blonde: "We got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell and hurt ourselves!"
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | How to get a man | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Lori, a young blonde woman, was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days, but finally she returned.
Her friend, Susan, never saw Lori looking so sad. "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay. But you look so sad. Why?
Lori said, "Cause I just can't get a man."
Susan replied, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."
Lori said, "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods because I needed to find something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."
Susan said, "I don't understand what you're talking about."
Lori replied, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."
Susan asked, "So, how is that gonna help you get a man."
Lori answered, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Needs | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.
But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."
The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.
And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.
The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'
The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "
The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.
" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Gender Joke One Liners #1 | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her.
They got married, and now he is going through hell.
There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"
Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Differences | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a expensive outfit, then slip on sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat.
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | After All We've Been Through | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | After 25 years of marriage, a husband said he wanted a divorce. His wife was stunned. "But Sam," she pleaded, "how could you want to divorce me after all we've been through together? Remember how just after we met, you caught malaria and nearly died, but I looked after you. Then when your family was wiped out in a hurricane, I was there for you. then when you were falsely accursed of armed robbery, I stood by you. Then when you lost $50,000 on the horses, I sympathized. And when that fire destroyed your office, I comforted you. How could you leave me? We've been through so much."
"That's the problem, Linda. Face it, you're just bad luck."
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | The history of Coffee (Part | Add a comment » | Started by Brent Lupton, Managing Director at Leading Edge Digital Media | | In todays coffee blog post we look at the first part in a series of documentaries on the history of the world's most popular hot beverage - Coffee.
By Brent Lupton, Managing Director at Leading Edge Digital Media | | Fungi make coffee more tasty | Add a comment » | Started by Brent Lupton, Managing Director at Leading Edge Digital Media | | Fungi are the secrets to tasty coffee, says a Brazilian researcher who is the first to identify the moulds that give coffee its distinctive range of flavours and aromas.
Dr Martha Taniwaki of Brazil's Institute of Food Technology presented her research at the International Mycological Conference in Cairns this week.........
By Brent Lupton, Managing Director at Leading Edge Digital Media | | How To Starbucks-Proof Your Laptop « Essential Brands Group | Add a comment » | Started by Brent Lupton, Managing Director at Leading Edge Digital Media | | Starbucks is offering free wi-fi in all of their locations starting today, so Lifehacker has some instructions that will help you keep your laptop safe while using public wi-fi. (Not just at Starbucks, obviously.)
Here’s why it’s important:
“Just because most wireless routers have a firewall to protect you from the internet doesn’t mean you’re protected from others connected to the same network. Lots of wireless hotspots these days are completely unencrypted, usually so they’re easier to connect to (baristas don’t need to be giving out the internet password to everyone that walks in). However, this leaves you unprotected against malicious users in the same coffee shop, so there are a few settings you should always make sure to tweak when you’re connected to a public network. ”
Anyway while this may help protect your from hackers, we must admit that your laptop will never be totally Starbucks-proof until they invent coffee-repellent
By Brent Lupton, Managing Director at Leading Edge Digital Media | | What Happened Last Night? | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Al wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean.
So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Darling, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.
Al asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Al asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Marriage Ceremony Question | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why is the lady dressed in white?"
His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."
The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the man dressed in black?"
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Marriage Quickies | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. (Rita Rudner)
I married Mr. Right. I just didn't know his first name was Always.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted' . Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Wife Meets Mistress | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | Don't want to receive email notifications? Adjust your message settings. LinkedIn values your privacy. At no time has LinkedIn made your email address available to any other LinkedIn user without your permission. © 2010, LinkedIn Corporation. |
No comments:
Post a Comment