Most Active Discussions (3) Discussions (19) | A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach... | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badlyscrewed she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lampwashing up onshore.She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!!The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As aconsolation, the genie informs that he will give her three wishes. But, hecautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give herex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makesher first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grantsher wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollarbills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of10 billion dollars.The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. Thesecond wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own privatebeach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds gain thather ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points own the beachto a small development of ten such mansions.Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish.Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the geniethat she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, thegenie again warns her that her ex-husband will get tentimes what she wishes for.No problem, said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. For my last wish..."Id like to give birth to twins".
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Secret of Women's Rest Rooms | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said " You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
MEN NEVER LISTEN
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | The Official Rules of Bedroom Golf | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | 1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment, normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf the object of the game is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
4. For most effective play the club should have a firm shaft, course owners are permitted to check stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied the game is complete, failure to do so may result being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to beging playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to cause damage to players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their protection
10. Players should ensure that their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone playing on what they consider to be a private course.
11. Players are advised to obtain course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
12. Slow play is encouraged. However players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at least temporarily at the course owners request.
13. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting to play the same hole several times in one match.
14. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player...
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Things that men hate about women | 1 comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Friends
It's the aim of every woman to replace all of her boyfriend's friends with all her friends' boyfriends. Women are so territorial about friends that it's safe for a man to assume that she will hate any friend of his that he didn't meet through her.
know that there is always a koala eating leaves somewhere.
Losing things
Women lose things and make men look for them. Men lose things too, but don't have time to look for them. They're too busy fishing under the fridge for the earrings you left in the shop. Here are a few tips: your sunglasses are on your head and your keys are probably still in the door.
Long Life
Women live longer. There's a smug, built-in biological swagger in the way women carry around the extra 10-odd years which life has dealt them. It gives them a kind of patience in arguments, knowing that they'll eventually have the last laugh when they're still around to unplug your life-support machine.
Food
Women go on diets. They buy half the food that they normally buy. This means that the man too only gets half the food he's used to, even if he is bordering on malnutrition already. Is it any wonder that we patronise kebab vans and curry houses?
The Bathroom
Women have on average 102 items of personal hygiene equipment in the bathroom. Men have 6 and that includes the razor. There may be a reason for this imbalance, but it escapes us. Surely there aren't 102 distinct parts on a woman that require different soaps, potions or ointments? Or is there something you're not telling us?
Babies
Women cluck over other peoples' babies for hours to a quite nauseating level. It's called the "mothering instinct" only because "behaviour aimed to scare the crap out of your boyfriend-stroke-husband-to-be" is too much of a mouthful.
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Stages Of Life(THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE) | 1 comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Favourite Pet
• 17: Muffy the cat
• 25: Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
• 35: Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
• 48: Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
• 66: Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat
Ideal Age To Get Married
• 17: 17
• 25: 25
• 35: 35
• 48: 48
• 66: 66
Ideal Date
• 17: He offers to pay
• 25: He pays
• 35: He cooks breakfast the next morning
• 48: He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
• 66: He can chew breakfast
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Stages Of Life(THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE) | 1 comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Favourite Fantasy
• 17: getting to third
• 25: airplane sex
• 35: menage a trois
• 48: taking the company public
• 66: Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
House Pet
• 17: roaches
• 25: stoned-out college roommate
• 35: Irish setter
• 48: children from his first marriage
• 66: Barbi
Ideal Age To Get Married
• 17: 25
• 25: 35
• 35: 48
• 48: 66
• 66: 17
Ideal Date
• 17: Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
• 25: "Split the check before we go back to my place"
• 35: "Just come over."
• 48: "Just come over and cook."
• 66: Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | SEMINARS FOR FEMALES(prepared and presented by males) | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | 1. Are You Ready to Leave?: Definition of the Word YES
2. Appropriate Rhetorical Questions (formerly titled "Honey, Do I Look Fat?")
3. Elementary Map Reading
4. Crying and Law Enforcement
5. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR
6. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours
7. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast
8. The Seven-Outfit Week
9. PMS: It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine (formerly titled "It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty: Deal With It")
10. Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmission
11. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Red Lights
12. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed
13. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It's As Simple As Oil and Water
14. The Super Bowl: Not a Game: A Sacrament
15. Telephone Translations (formerly titled "Me Too Equals I Love You")
16. How to Earn Your Own Money
17. Gift-giving Fundamentals (formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics Good")
18. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
19. Know When to Say When: The Limits of Makeup
20. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
21. We Forget Birthdays, You Forget Sports Stats: LET'S LET IT DROP
22. MYOB: Proper Response to Other Couple's Public Arguments
23. Yes, You Can Buy Condoms (formerly titled "WE learned to deal with the embarrassment")
24. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels
25. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy
26. The Penis: His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too
27. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out
28. Commitment Schmittment (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock")
29. To Honor and Obey: Remembering the Small Print Above "I Do"
30. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House
31. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man?
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Seminars-SEMINARS FOR MALES(prepared and presented by females) | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | 1. Combatting Stupidity
2. You, Too, Can Do Housework
3. PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
4. How to Fill an Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy derthings for Christmas: Give us Money
6. Understanding the Femae Response to Your Coming in Drunk at 4:00am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly titled "Don't Wash my Silks")
8. Parenting: No, It Doesn't End With Conception
9. Get a Life: Learn to Cook
10. How Not to Act Like an Asshole When You're Obviously Wrong
11. Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right
12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13. You: The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons to Give Flowers
15. How to Stay Awake After Sex
16. Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the Bathroom
17. Garbage: Getting it to the Curb
18. You Can Fall Asleep Without IT if You Really Try
19. The Morning Dilemma if IT's awake: Take a Shower
20. I'll Wear it if I Damn Well Please
21. How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (formerly titled "No, It's Not a Bidet")
22. "The Weekend" and "Sports" are Not Synonyms
23. Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses are Bullshit
24. How to Go Shopping with Your Mate and Not Get Lost
25. The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
26. Romanticism: Ideas Other Than Sex
27. Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes
28. Mother-in-Laws: They are People Too
29. Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends at Home
30. You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
31. Seeing the True You (formerly titled "No, You Don't Look Like Brad Pitt When Naked" unless you are Tegan Eve)
32. Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works
33. The Attainable Goal: Omitting TITS From Your Vocabulary
34. Fluffing the Blankets After Flatulating is Not Necessary
35. Techniques of Calling Home
36. Introductory Foreplay: The Drive Home Does Not Count.
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Why Coffee is Better than a Woman | 1 comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | # When you have a coffee, you don't end up with a pube in the back of your throat.
# Coffee doesn't take up half your bed.
# Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have a cup.
# INSTANT COFFEE!
# You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee.
# It can take up to 2 weeks for coffee to grow mould.
# Your coffee won't be jealous of a larger cup.
# If you spill coffee on your keyboard, the keys don't stick.
# Juan Valdez doesn't call his coffee "Bitch" and charge by the hour.
# You always want coffee in the morning.
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | The Last 10 Things...(Any Woman/Man Would Ever Say) | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | The Last 10 Things...
...Any Woman Would Ever Say
1. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
2. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.
3. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
4. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
5. Please don't throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
6. This diamond is way too big.
7. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
8. Wow, it really is 14 inches!
9. Does this make my butt look too small?
10. I'm wrong, you must be right again.
...Any Man Would Ever Say
1. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
2. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
3. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
4. Her tits are just too big.
5. Sometimes I just want to be held.
6. That chick on "Murder, She Wrote" gives me a woody.
7. Sure I'd love to wear a condom.
8. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
9. Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
10. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask directions.
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | If Women Ruled the World | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | * Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.
* Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
* PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
* Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
* Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.
* A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.
* Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.
* Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
* "Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
* Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
* Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
* Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks."
* Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.
* Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
* Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry", "I love you", "You're beautiful", "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit."
* Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
* Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.
* All toilet seats would be nailed down.
* Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.
* TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.
* All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.
* During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19-year-olds.
* Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.
* After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.
* For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | This blooper of Mom and her cake is incredibly funny.... | Add a comment » | Started by Kim Roberts, Sales at Everflora Chicago | | http://awackydo.tv/wild_video_archive/Entries/2009/6/15_Mom_%26_Cake.html
Who would of ever thought that a simple blooper like this could be so extremely funny! A mom getting out of the car closes the door and accidentally gets her dress caught as it shuts. The rest you have to see to appreciate the comedy! A wild trip with cake in hand...
By Kim Roberts, Sales at Everflora Chicago | | Women's Problems | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | - MEN tal illness
- MEN strual cramps
- MEN tal breakdown
- MEN opause
- GUY necologist
- And when we have real trouble, it's a.....HIS terectomy.
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | 10 Things Only Women Understand | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | 10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.
9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
8. Crying can be fun.
7. Fat Clothes.
6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.
5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.
4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.
2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.
1. Other Women!
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | They think of everything | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | A man got a phone call from his wife at work one day and she asked him to stop at the store and pick up some groceries. Reminding her that this was his golf league night he said he would be happy to go to the store after playing his round of golf.
After playing golf, he stopped at the store and picked up 2 bags full of groceries. He then proceeded to walk out of the grocery store to his Rolls Royce. Upon reaching his Rolls Royce he found it difficult to reach into his pocket to pull his keys out to open his trunk because his arms were full with two bags of groceries.
He saw a beautiful women walking nearby and he asked her, "Could you please do me a favour?" "Sure," she replied. He went on to say, "I can't reach into my pocket and get my car keys out to open my trunk and put my groceries away." "Do you think you could reach into my pocket and pull my car keys out?" "No problem," she replied.
When she pulled the keys out, two golf tees also were pulled out as well and fell to the ground. She bent over and picked them up. Looking at the golf tees in the palm of her hand, somewhat quizzically she asked the man, "Gee, what are these for?" He replied, "Oh, those are to keep my balls in the air while I'm driving." To which she commented, "Boy, those Rolls Royce people think of everything."
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Zen Teachings | Add a comment » | Started by David Houlihan, Owner, Training Education And Consultancy Help (TEACH) | | 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you fart.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.
13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass .... then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
By David Houlihan, Owner, Training Education And Consultancy Help (TEACH) | | Never Lie to a Woman | 1 comment » | Started by David Houlihan, Owner, Training Education And Consultancy Help (TEACH) | | So that's what they mean by "thinking outside the box" :D
By Tanya Ross, Senior Recruitment Consultant at Bond Personnel | | Sex Study | Add a comment » | Started by David Houlihan, Owner, Training Education And Consultancy Help (TEACH) | | Sex Study... It has been determined that the most used sexual
position for married couples is the doggie
position.
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead.
By David Houlihan, Owner, Training Education And Consultancy Help (TEACH) | | Subject: Fw: An old man, a boy & a donkey | Add a comment » | Started by David Houlihan, Owner, Training Education And Consultancy Help (TEACH) | | An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town.
The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked.
As they went along they passed some people
who remarked it was a shame the old man
was walking and the boy was riding.
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right,
so they changed positions.
Then, later, they passed some people who remarked,
'What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.'
So they then decided they'd both walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought
they were stupid to walk when they had a
decent donkey to ride.
So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people
who shamed them by saying how awful to
put such a load on a poor donkey.
The boy and man figured they were probably right,
so they decide to carry the donkey.
As they crossed the bridge,
they lost their grip on the animal
and he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone,
you might as well...
Kiss your ass goodbye!
By David Houlihan, Owner, Training Education And Consultancy Help (TEACH) | Job Discussions (1) Find the best talent on LinkedIn - Reach over 70 million top professionals
- Be alerted to good matches automatically
- Receive on average 30 applicants
Get Started » | Don't want to receive email notifications? Adjust your message settings. LinkedIn values your privacy. At no time has LinkedIn made your email address available to any other LinkedIn user without your permission. © 2010, LinkedIn Corporation. |
No comments:
Post a Comment