Most Active Discussions (3) | Political Bashing | 21 comments » | Started by Al Macintyre | | HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell...
More » By Al Macintyre | Discussions (20) | Girl's Diary vs Boy's Diary | 1 comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Good One
By Rauf Cyclewala رؤف سائیکل والا, Analyst- Market Research & Business Intelligence | | Saying the right thing | 1 comment » | Started by Narayana Kashyap, at ITC Infotech India Ltd | | Rohit woke up at home with a huge hangover. He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sat down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!"
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Rohit asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door". Confused, Rohit asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said , "Hey !!!!!!! leave me alone! I'm married!"
Moral
Breakfast -- Rs. 100.00
Self-induced hangover -- Rs. 2000.00
Broken furniture -- Rs. 20,000.00
Saying The Right Thing While Drunk - PRICELESS!!!!!!!!!!!!
By Narayana Kashyap, at ITC Infotech India Ltd | | "Kids" Little Instructions on Life." | Add a comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | 1. "Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching."
-Andrew, Age 9
2. "Wear a hat when feeding seagulls."
-Rocky, age 9
3. "Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning."
-Stephanie, age 8
4. "Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower."
-Lamar, age 10
5. "Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes."
-Carrol, age 9
6. "Never bug a pregnant mom."
-Nicholas, age 11
7. "Don't ever be too full for dessert."
-Kelly, age 10
8. "When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him."
-Heather, age 16
9. "Never tell your mom her diet's not working."
-Michael, age 14
10. "Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat." -Joel, age 12
11. "When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone."
-Alyesha, age 13
12. "Never try to baptize a cat."
-Laura, age 13
13. "Never spit when on a roller coaster."
-Scott, age 11
14. "Never do pranks at a police station."
-Sam, age 10
15. "Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving."
-Rob, age 10
16. "Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do."
-Hank, age 12
17. "Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand."
-Molly, age 11
18. "Listen to your brain. It has lots of information."
-Chelsey, age 7
19. "Stay away from prunes."
-Randy, age 9
20. "Never dare your little brother to paint the family car."
-Phillip, age 13
21. "Forget the cake, go for the icing."
-Cynthia, age 8
22. "Remember the two places you are always welcome-church and Grandma's house."
-Joanne, age 11
23. "When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents."
-Matthew, age 12
By Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | The Laws of Work | Add a comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
By Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | She Was So Blonde | Add a comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate"
She put lipstick on her forehead because omeone told her to make up her mind.
She got stabbed in a shoot-out
She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK"
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
She sat on the tv and watched the couch
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it
She tried to drown a fish
She thought a quarterback was a refund
She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death
If you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back
They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade
Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics"
She tripped over a cordless phone
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius"
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store
It takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes
If she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless
She studied for a blood test - and failed
She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center
She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats
She thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train
She sold the car for gas money
When she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved
She thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home
By Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Who makes the Rules in a Family? | Add a comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | The female makes the rules. The female is never wrong.
The rules are subject to change by the female at any time without prior notification
No male can possibly know all the rules. Attempts to document the rules are not permitted
If the female suspects that the male may know some or all of the rules, she has the right to immediately change some or all of the rules.
If the female is wrong, it is because of an egregarious misunderstanding which was the direct result of vagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male said or did wrong.
The male must must always apologize immediately for having been the cause of the misunderstanding without any clues from the female as to what he did to have caused the misunderstanding. See above rule.
The female may change her mind at any time for any reason or no reason at all
The male is never permitted to change his mind or under circumstances without the express written consent of the female which is given only in cases where the female wanted him to change his mind but gave no indication of that wish
The female has the right to be angry or upset for any reason, real or imagined, at any time and under any circumstance which in her sole judgement she deems appropriate. The male is not to be given any sign of the root cause of the female's being angry or upset. The female may, however, give false or misleading reasons to see if the male is paying attention
The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset. Under no circumstances may the female give the male any clue or indication whether or why she wants him to be angry or upset
The male is expected to read the mind of the female at all times. Failure to do so will result in punishments and penalties imposed at the sole discretion of the female
The female may, at any time and for any reason, resurrect any past incident without regard to temporal or spacial distance, and modify, enlarge, embellish, of wholly reconstruct it in order to demonstrate to the male that he is now or has in the past been wrong, insensitive, pig-headed, dense, deceitful, and/or oafish
The female may use her interpretation of any past occurrence to illustrate the ways in which the male has failed to accord her the consideration, respect, devotion, or material possessions, he has bestowed on other females, domestic pets or barnyard animals, sports teams, automobiles, motorcycles, boats, aircraft, or coworkers. Such illustrations are non-rebuttable
If the female is experiencing PMS, Post-PMS, or Pre-PMS, the female is permitted to exhibit any manner of behavior she wishes without regard to logical consistency or accepted norms of human behavior
Any act, deed, word, expression, statement, utterance, thought, opinion, or belief by the male is subject to the sole, subjective interpretation of the female, other external factors not-withstanding. Alibis, excuses, explanations, defenses, reasons, extenuations, or rationalizations will not be entertained. Begging the female for mercy and forgiveness are acceptable under some circumstances, especially when accompanied by tangible evidence of contrition.
PLEASE NOTE: These rules are subject to change as the female sees fit. All rules are null and void under the PMS Exception Law. New rules apply during different stages of a women's life.
By Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | 50 Things Women Would Do To Drive Men Crazy | Add a comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | 1. Do not say what you mean. Ever.
2. Be ambiguous. Always.
3. Cry. Cry often. Tell them it's their fault.
4. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought years, months, or
5. Make them apologize for everything.
6. Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as cutereminders that you were thinking of them.
7. Gossip. Gossip about everything that walks.
8. Play Alanis Morissette's "You Outta Know," loud. Look at them Smile.
9. Look them in the eye and start laughing.
10. Cry.
11. Get mad at them for everything.
12. Discuss your period in front of them. Watch them squirm.
13. Hold grudges.
14. Demand to be e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply.
15. When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at face value.
16. Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick trigger finger, and his affection for his "little princess. "
17. Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.
18. Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24-7. Compare and contrast.
19. Go everywhere in groups, especially the bathroom. Do nothing alone. Independence is a sign of weakness.
20. Cry.
21. Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong.
22. Plan little relationship anniversaries, i. e. the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library. . . for five minutes. Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.
23. Fall for your FAC.
24. Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.
25. Correct their grammar.
26. Describe back-alley abortions. Then remind them of their mother or little sister.
27. Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer.
28. Leave out the good parts in stories.
29. Make sure to only be interested in guys in the same friendship group. Make sure to cause trouble.
30. Make them wonder. Confusion is a good thing.
31. Cry.
32. Declare that you are not wacko.
33. Criticize the way they dress.
34. Criticize the music they listen to.
35. Criticize their hair.
36. Ignore them. When asked, "What's wrong?" tell them that if they don't know, you're not going to tell them.
37. Try to change them.
38. Try to mold them.
39. Try to get them to dance.
40. Pretend you're interested, lead them on, then feign ignorance when confronted.
41. When they screw up, never let them forget it.
42. Make them stay at religious services until they are close to fainting. Just because.
43. Blame everything on PMS.
44. Blame everything on PMS only after it has been blamed on them.
45. Whenever there is silence ask them, "What are you thinking?"
46. Get mad if they don't notice a haircut. Even if it's only a half inch.
47. Read into everything.
48. Over-analyze everything.
49. Cry.
50. Make it your goal to make them cry.
By Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Facts About Women | 1 comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | 38. Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.
39. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
40a All women are overweight by definition, don't argue with them about it.
40b All women are overweight by definition, don't agree with them about it.
43. Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".
By Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | 10 Reasons Women Date Jerks Instead of Nice Guys | Add a comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | 10) More fun to complain about them to their friends.
9) Guys who actually like you just aren't challenging or exciting.
8) When you do date nice guys, they turn into jerks anyway, so why not save time and go for the jerk in the first place?
7) You won't get as emotionally attached to a jerk, so you'll be more in control.
6) All the other women want them, so they must be worth having.
5) Affection means more when it comes from a guy who doesn't normally give it.
4) Guaranteed to cheat on you so someone else can endure his lack of lovemaking skills most of the time.
3) No need to feel guilty for abusing or deceiving them.
2) Jerks will actually tell you when they don't like what you're doing instead of getting mad about it six months later.
1) Looking for someone you can't trust, and won't care about too much, who will abuse you mentally and financially, but you don't know any lawyers.
By Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Why Men Can't Win | Add a comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
By Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | MEN'S RULES FOR WOMEN | Add a comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | by Every guy in America
1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done.
2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups:*** Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.***
3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.
4. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.
5. Shopping is not fascinating.
6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.
7. Unless the answer is yes.
8. In which case, can he videotape it?
9. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.
10. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.
11. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.
12. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.
13. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble .. (ie Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time
14. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
15. He heard you the first time.
16. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too... Let's spread the rejection around a little.
17. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to.
18. Of COURSE he wants another beer.
19. The guy doesn't ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot.
20. Dogs good. Cats bad.
21. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.
22. If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall", you have to sit through "Showgirls".
23. "Fine." is not an acceptible way to end an argument.
24. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.
25. He was not looking at that other girl.
26. Well, okay... maybe a little.
27. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy...
28. There is nothing inherently wrong with the word "motorcycle".
29. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met.
30. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.
31. Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.
32. He does not just want to be friends.
33. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.
34. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.
35. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence:
36. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.
37. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one o f you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with.
38. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all.
39. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.
40. Don't hog the covers.
41. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that...
By Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Secret of your Success | Add a comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | "Sir, What is the secret of your success?" a reporter asked a bank president.
"Two words"
"And, Sir,what are they?"
"Right decisions."
"And how do you make right decisions?"
"One word."
"And,sir, What is that?"
"Experience."
"And how do you get Experience?"
"Two words"
"And, Sir, what are they?"
"Wrong decisions"
By Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Earring | Add a comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he's curious about the sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up to his co-worker and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
"Well, I'm curious," begged the man, "how long have you been wearing an earring?"
"Er, ever since my wife found it in our bed."
By Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Johnny Jones | Add a comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Johnny Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, boss. The wife decided to drive me to the train station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river. Look, my suit is still damp. Then I ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."
By Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | A few years ago, at the Seattle Special Olympics ... | 1 comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Brennan, age 8, stood on second base, waiting for the next pitch. As the batter hit the ball to left field, Brennan started to run to third base. Suddenly, he noticed that the shortstop was Madison, a kind little girl in his third grade class. He stopped and exclaimed, "oh, Madison" and threw his arms around her and gave her a big hug. She hugged him back, and then he continued to third base. Usually, there is no hugging in baseball. But for Brennan, friendship is much more important than winning. All of the parents had tears in their eyes. Including me.
Brennan has Down syndrome. Brennan is my son.
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