Most Active Discussions (1) | A Family of Mice | 1 comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi | | Teacher with no sense of humor
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny,...
More » By Al Macintyre | Discussions (26) | PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER(APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER) | Add a comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | NOTE:This application will be considered incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME______________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_______
HEIGHT____________ WEIGHT_____________ IQ__________ GPA_______
SOCIAL SECURITY #____________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #_______
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES __________________________________
HOME ADDRESS ____________CITY/STATE ___________ ZIP _____
Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent? __________ If NO, explain
_________
Number of years married________If less than your age, explain
_________
Do you own a van?_____ A truck with oversized tires?_____
A waterbed? _____ A pickup with a mattress in the back? _____
A condom? _____ Pornography? _______
Do you have earring, nose ring, or a belly button ring?________
A tattoo? ________
(IF YES TO THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES)
In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?
_________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you?
__________________
In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?
__________
Church you attend________________________
How often you attend_______
When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, and priest?
______________
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
(that means I won't tell anyone EVER)
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be__________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my_____________
C: A woman's place is in the________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is ________
E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is_____________
NOTE: if answer E begins with T or A, discontinue. Leaving premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.
What do you want to do IF you grow up________________________________
What is the current going rate of a hotel room?______________
Condoms come in A: 3 B: 6 C: 9 D: 12 E: ALL OF THE ABOVE (circle one)
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
________
Signature (that means sign your name moron)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury) If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch your back).
By Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Why do men find blonde bimbos attractive? | Add a comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Are you kidding? Even leaving the physical aside, blonde bimbos are generally much easier to get along (alone) with. They like having fun and doing exciting things. They don't walk around with the weight of the world on their shoulders. They don't ever give us a hard time for being a dumb male; and plus they laugh at most of our jokes (even the ones they don't get ). What more could any of us males ask for?
By Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | What does it mean when men say "I Love You? | Add a comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | 1 Please sleep with me.
2 I'm sorry for whatever it is that I did.
3 I forgot to get you a gift; this will have to do.
4 Huh? I'm sorry; I wasn't listening.
5 What did I forget? This should buy me a little time.
6 Stop nagging me.
7 What do I have to do to get a beer around here?
By Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | =============== EXCUSE =============== | Add a comment » | Started by Deepak Bhatia, Business Development Executive - US Sales at Tech Mahindra | | "Called in sick today. My boss asked what's wrong. I said I have anal glaucoma. he asked what's that. I replied, "I can't see my ass going to work today! "
By Deepak Bhatia, Business Development Executive - US Sales at Tech Mahindra | | SEEN IN PASSING | 1 comment » | Started by Chandrashekaran K N, CEO at Indraprasta Consultants | | Good Ones !!
Seen somewhere written behind Tata Ace (Small Pick-up truck) "Main Bada ho kar Truck Banoonga" (I'll grow up to become a Truck)
By Arvind Khanna, Regional Manager - Dynamic Professional - comprehensively experienced across various business domains | | Game of Five- Lewis Carroll classic | Add a comment » | Started by Zinnia M, Regional Vice President (East) and Product Head -General Insurance at Financial Services industry | | Five little girls, of Five, Four, Three, Two, One:
Rolling on the hearthrug, full of tricks and fun.
Five rosy girls, in years from Ten to Six:
Sitting down to lessons—no more time for tricks.
Five growing girls, from Fifteen to Eleven:
Music, Drawing, Languages, and food enough for seven!
Five winsome girls, from Twenty to Sixteen:
Each young man that calls, I say “Now tell me which you mean!”
Five dashing girls, the youngest Twenty-one:
But, if nobody proposes, what is there to be done?
Five showy girls—but Thirty is an age
When girls may be ENGAGING, but they somehow don’t ENGAGE.
Five dressy girls, of Thirty-one or more:
So gracious to the shy young men they snubbed so much before!
* * * *
Five passé girls—Their age? Well, never mind!
We jog along together, like the rest of human kind:
But the quondam “careless bachelor” begins to think he knows
The answer to that ancient problem “how the money goes”!
By Zinnia M, Regional Vice President (East) and Product Head -General Insurance at Financial Services industry | | PRISON LIFE VS. FULL-TIME JOB | Add a comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.
At work you spend the majority of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.
In prison you get your own loo.
At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have managers.
By Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | BENEFITS OF BEING FEMALE | Add a comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | * We got off the Titanic first.
* We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
* We never ejaculate prematurely.
* We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
* We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.
* When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.
* We don't have to get our strength up between sessions...and it's much easier for us to get "some" in the first place.
* We can get off with teenagers without being called dirty old perverts.
* Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - guys look like complete idiots in ours.
* We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
* We can cry and get off speeding fines.
* We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers...... Men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
* Taxis stop for us.
* We've never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
* We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
By Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | GOOD GIRLS / BAD GIRLS | Add a comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | >Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
>Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons
>
>Good girls wax their floors
>Bad girls wax their bikini line
>
>Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
>Bad girls know they could do it better
>
>Good girls wear white cotton panties
>Bad girls don't wear any
>
>Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
>Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls
>
>Good girls pack their toothbrush
>Bad girls pack their diaphragms
>
>Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
>Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it
>
>Good girls wear high heels to work
>Bad girls wear high heels to bed
>
>Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
>Bad girls think no place is the wrong place
>
>Good girls prefer the missionary position
>Bad girls do too, but only for starters
>
>Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed.
>Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.
>
>Good girls say no
>Bad girls say when? say when?
By Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | THE LAST 10 THINGS..... | Add a comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | The Last 10 Things Any Woman Would Ever Say:
10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends. 9. Go ahead, leave the seat up, I don't mind. 8. I think hairy butts are really sexy. 7. Hey, get a whiff of that one. 6. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute. 5. This diamond is way too big. 4. Oral sex makes you happy...... you don't have to say anything else. 3. Wow, it is 14 inches! 2. Does this make my butt look too small? 1. I'm wrong, you must be right again.
The Last 10 Things Any Man Would Ever Say:
10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool mother. 9. While I'm up, can I get you a beer? 8. I think hairy butts are really sexy. 7. Her breasts are just too big. 6. Sometimes I just want to be held. 5. That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody. 4. Sure I'd love to wear a condom. 3. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse. 2. Screw Monday Night Football, let's watch Melrose Place. 1. I think we're lost, we better pull over and ask directions.
The Last 10 Things Someone in an Alternate Lifestyle Would Ever Say:
10. Sure my parents know and they couldn't be happier. 9. I went to the Melissa Etheridge concert just for the music. 8. Priscilla, Queen of the Desert....never heard of it. 7. That Martina Navratolova sure is sexy. 6. Go both ways? No I've never heard that expression. 5. I think leotards are always too tight. 4. K.D. Lang looks nothing like my brother. 3. Poor Liberace....what victim of the dreaded Watermelon Diet is next. 2. Long time companion....that could mean anything. 1. Someone has to say it....The Village People made damn great albums.
By Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | HOW TO DRIVE WOMEN CRAZY | Add a comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | 1. Call her by the dog's name and then deny it.
2. Answer all her questions with a question, preferably one on a totally different subject.
3. Superglue the commode seat in the up position.
4. Shrink her jeans and when she overreacts because she thinks that she's gaining weight, give her a condescending smile and say that you prefer her with some meat on her bones.
5. Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions even if you find yourself in Georgia when your original destination was California.
6. Call her by your mother's name and then deny it.
7. Start a conversation with the dog in the middle of one with her.
8. Buy her power tools for Valentine's Day.
9. Never give her a straight answer.
10. Take up yodelling and practice a lot.
11. Quote Tim Allen to validate your position during arguments. (Argh! Argh! Argh!)
12. Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery.
13. Pretend you forgot how to speak English.
14. Answer every question with "Yes, dear." (Use with caution as PMS is a valid murder defense in many states.)
By Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | A MAN'S ANSWERS TO WOMEN'S QUESTIONS | Add a comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | A MAN'S ANSWERS TO EVERY QUESTION A WOMAN EVER ASKS
1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.
2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.
3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.
4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.
6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.
7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.
8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?
Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.
9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.
10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.
11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?
Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.
12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.
By Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | WOMEN'S SEMINAR(ATTENTION ALL WOMEN) | Add a comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Once again the male staff will be offering courses to women of relationship status. Class size will be limited to 10 as course material may prove to be very difficult.
1. Combating Stupidity
2. You too can understand sports.
3. Understanding male reasons for coming home at 4:00 A.M.-DRUNK
4. Learning when it is BEST to keep your mouth shut.
5. Learning how to cook--GREAT.
6. How not to act like a BITCH when your obviously wrong.
7. Understanding your FINANCIAL INCOMPETENCE!
8. Reasons for spontaneous SEX.
9. How to run the lawn mower.
10. Garbage - Getting it to the curb.
11. Sex 101 - Attend for further information.
12. Sex 201 - Advanced students only !
13. Understanding why weekends and sports are Synonymous.
14. How not to let shopping dominate your life.
15. Understanding why as your relationship lengthens sex must become more frequent.
16. How to graciously accept the designated driver responsibility.
17. The attainable goal -- Omitting NO from your vocabulary.
18. The mandatory requirement of exercise.
19. Reasons for gifts and acceptable gifts ie. sports equip., tools.
20. Why real women admit their mistakes.
Please register immediately as courses are in GREAT demand -- as if we had any doubt !
DETACH HERE
_____________________________________
NAME________________AGE_________ ADDRESS______________
PHONE NO.__________NO. OF WOMEN ATTENDING________
AREAS OF SPECIFIC CONCERN_____________________ _______________________________________
Please attach additional paper if needed!
By Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | TOP 10 REASONS GOD CREATED EVE | Add a comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | 10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote.
(Men don't want to see what's ON television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!)
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore needed Eve to get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.
5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.
4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON GOD CREATED EVE........
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that!"
By Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | THINGS YOUR WIFE OR GIRLFRIEND WON'T SAY | Add a comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | 25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya.
24. God...if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
21. Christ, not the frigging malls again, come on let's go to that new strip joint.
20. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, chicken wings, and have my friend Heather over for a threesome.
19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake, you go hunting with the guys, and it’s a wonderful stress reliever.
18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.
17. Your mother is way better than mine.
16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
15. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?
14. Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!
13. I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
12. I'll be out painting the house.
11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
7. You’re so sexy when you're hungover.
6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
5. That was a great fart! Do another one!
4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
1. I'll swallow it all.... I love the taste.
By Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | YOU JUST CAN'T PLEASE THEM | Add a comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman.
If you don't you are not a man.
If you praise her, she thinks you are sucking up.
If you don't, you are self-centered and aren't noticing her enough.
If you agree to all her likes, you are a wuss because you let her control you.
If you don't, you are selfish and just don't understand her needs.
If you visit her too often, she thinks you are boring.
If you don't visit her often enough, you are inattentive.
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy.
If you are not well-dressed, she says you are a slob.
If you are jealous, she says that is bad.
If you are not, she thinks you don't love her.
If you attempt "romance," she says you don't respect her.
If you don't, she wonders why you think something is wrong with her.
If you are a minute late, she complains of the wait.
If she is an hour late, she says, "That's a girl's way."
If you flirt with another woman, she accuses you of being unfaithful.
If she flirts with another man, she says, "Oh, it's only natural for women."
If you kiss her too often, she says "You are smothering me!"
If you don't kiss her often enough, she thinks you are a cold fish.
If you stare at others, she calls you a clod.
If she stares at others, she is only "admiring."
If she talks, she wants you to listen
If you listen, she wants you to talk.
By Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | WOMEN'S & MEN'S REJECTIONS | Add a comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean...)
10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).
5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)
and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it really means)
1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing.)
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean...)
10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)
6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)
5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)
2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)
and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)
1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)
By Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | POLITICAL CORRECTNESS ON MEN & WOMEN | Add a comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | To Speak About Women And Be Politically Correct:
She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She is not HALF NAKED - She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She is not KINKY - She is a NON-INHIBITED SEXUAL COMPANION.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is GRAVITY RESISTANT.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How To Talk About Men And Still Be Politically Correct:
He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
He doesn't GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He investigates ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES - He has an INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENT.
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
By Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | DATING WOMEN AROUND THE WORLD | Add a comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | WHITE WOMAN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position.
Then you promise to marry her but will probably abandon the idea.
ITALIAN WOMAN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant
Second Date:You meet her parents and her mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 karat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend
JEWISH WOMAN:
First Date: You get a dynamite blowjob.
Second Date: You get another great blowjob.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.
MALAY WOMAN:
First date: You get to touch those big breasts of hers.
Second date: You get to home base with her.
Third date: You have to promise her that you are gonna get circumcised.
Then you will marry her and find out that you have to support her whole family. The only consolation is that you get to repeat the procedure three other times as allowed under Muslim law.
CHINESE WOMAN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happened.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen.
INDIAN WOMAN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
BLACK WOMAN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: Your get to buy her and her girlfriends real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant
IRISH WOMAN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex
By Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | MAN TIPS FOR ALL WOMEN(We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!) | Add a comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping out.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!!
By Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | DATING VS. MARRIAGE | Add a comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue.
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.
When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"
When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public.
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.
When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot.
When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"
When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"
When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets.
When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married ....You wonder who will die first.
When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy."
When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.
When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is.
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.
When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood."
When you are married ....He says "It's your job."
When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends.
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away.
When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things.
When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare.
When you are dating..... He calls you by name.
When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."
By Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | The Real Woman's Way is practical and the best ... | Add a comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | 1. Nigella's Way. Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice-cream drips.
The Real Woman's Way. Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for goodness sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
2. Nigella's Way. To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Woman's Way. Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.
3. Nigella's Way. When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Woman's Way. Spar sells cakes. They even do decorated versions.
4. Nigella's Way. If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.
The Real Woman's Way. If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough! Please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how it tastes."
5. Nigella's Way. Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
The Real Woman's Way. It could keep forever. Who eats it?
6. Nigella's Way. Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Woman's Way. Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it into 8 ounces of vodka : Drink the vodka. You might still have the headache, but you won't care!
7. Nigella's Way. If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Woman's Way Why do I have a man?
8. Nigella's Way. Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles.
The Real Woman's Way. Left over wine????... Helllloooo!
By Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Housework! | Add a comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home
from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!
It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.
The night went very well. The next day, she told her office friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He
helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'
'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.
'Oh, that ..., Ralph was too tired..'
By Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Playing Golf | Add a comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments
and asked 'How does that feel?'
He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think
my thumb's broken.'
By Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | 1943 Guide To Hiring Women | Add a comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | This is from the Savvy & Sage Magazine in which they reprinted a 1943 Article on how to hire women that ran in Transportation Magazine. Have times changed??? I'll let you be the judge, although paragraphs 2, 3 and 4 make interesting reading. :)
1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters, they're less likely to be flirtatious, they need the work or they wouldn't be doing it, they still have the pep and interest to work hard and deal with the public efficiently.
2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some point in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves, and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It's always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.
3. General experience indicates that "husky" girls – those who are just a little on the heavy side – are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.
4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special examination – one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibility of a lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.
5. Stress at the outset the importance of time, that a minute or two lost here or there make serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.
6. Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they'll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack the initiative in finding work themselves.
7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change.
8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and was her hands several times a day.
9. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can't shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never ridicule a woman – it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.
10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she'll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.
11. Get enough size variety in operator's uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can't be stressed too much in keeping women happy.
By Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Why women are sooooo different and so special! | Add a comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Mum and Dad were watching TV when Mum said, "I'm tired, and it's
getting late. I think I'll go to bed."
She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's
lunches. Rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the
freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box
levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the
table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.
She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes
into the washer, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button.. She
picked up the game pieces left on the table, put the phone back on
the charger and put the telephone book into the drawer. She
watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to
dry. She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom.
She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted
out some cash for the excursion and pulled a text book out from
hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend,
addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the
grocery store. She put both near her bag.
Mum then washed her face with 3 in 1 cleanser, put on her Night
Solution & age fighting moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth
and filed her nails.
Dad called out, "I thought you were going to bed."
"I'm on my way," she said. She put some water into the dog's dish
and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked and
the patio light was on. She looked in on each of the kids and
turned out their bedside lamps and radios, hung up a shirt, threw
some dirty socks into the hamper, and had a brief conversation
with the one up still doing homework.
In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next
day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her
6 most important things to do list. She said her prayers, and
visualized the accomplishment of her goals..
About that time, Dad turned off the TV
and announced to no one in particular. "I'm going to bed." And he
did...without another thought.
Anything extraordinary here? Wonder why women live longer...?
'CAUSE THEY ARE MADE FOR THE LONG HAUL.......
(and they can't die sooner, they still have things to do!!!!)
Forward this to as many men as you can so that they know why
women are so special :) ..........!
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