Most Active Discussions (3) | We've really grown up..... | 8 comments » | Started by Arvind Khanna | | My Dad always said this one to me:
Pete and Repeat went out in a boat, Pete fell off, who was left?
(Obvious answer is Repeat, so once...
More » By Dan Passage | Discussions (15) | The Stimulus expalined! | Add a comment » | Started by Brian Maloney [LION], Agent at Insurance Associates Marketplace Agency, Inc. | | Sometime this year, we taxpayers will receive an ' HST Compensation'' payment.
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an 'HST Compensation' payment ?
A. It is money that the state government will send to taxpayers.
Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the economy by spending your compensation cheque wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka ...
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala ..
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go
to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in the U.S. by:
1) Spending it at yard sales, or
2) Going to hockey games, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )
Conclusion:
Go to a hockey game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard
sale and drink beer all day !
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.
By Brian Maloney [LION], Agent at Insurance Associates Marketplace Agency, Inc. | | A Bit of Wisdom | Add a comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some
false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
It never was between you and them anyway.
By Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Imposible To Please | Add a comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
By Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Why do men die first?(This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries…… but, now we know.) | Add a comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race…you’re a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework …you’re a pansy.
If you work too hard…there’s never any time for her. If you don’t work enough…you’re a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay…this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay…..you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her…..that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you……it’s affirmative action.
If you mention how nice she looks……it’s sexual harassment. If you keep quiet……….it’s male indifference.
If you cry…………you’re a wimp. If you don’t……..you’re an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her………you’re a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you……she’s a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy……. that’s domination. If she asks you………it’s a favor.
If you appreciate the female form …..you’re a pervert. If you don’t ….you’re gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs, wear sexy lingerie and keep in shape ………….you’re sexist. If you don’t……………..you’re unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape……you’re vain. If you don’t ……..you’re a slob.
If you buy her flowers………….you’re after something. If you don’t ……..you’re not thoughtful.
If you’re proud of your achievements……..you’re full of yourself.
If you aren’t……. you’re not ambitious.
If she has a headache…………she’s tired. If you have a headache………….you don’t love her anymore.
If you want it too often………you’re over sexed. If you don’t…………….there must be someone else.
So why do men die first?
Because they want to.
By Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | why women are sooooo different and so special! | Add a comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Mum and Dad were watching TV when Mum said, "I'm tired, and it's
getting late. I think I'll go to bed."
She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's
lunches. Rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the
freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box
levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the
table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.
She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes
into the washer, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button.. She
picked up the game pieces left on the table, put the phone back on
the charger and put the telephone book into the drawer. She
watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to
dry. She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom.
She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted
out some cash for the excursion and pulled a text book out from
hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend,
addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the
grocery store. She put both near her bag.
Mum then washed her face with 3 in 1 cleanser, put on her Night
Solution & age fighting moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth
and filed her nails.
Dad called out, "I thought you were going to bed."
"I'm on my way," she said. She put some water into the dog's dish
and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked and
the patio light was on. She looked in on each of the kids and
turned out their bedside lamps and radios, hung up a shirt, threw
some dirty socks into the hamper, and had a brief conversation
with the one up still doing homework.
In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next
day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her
6 most important things to do list. She said her prayers, and
visualized the accomplishment of her goals..
About that time, Dad turned off the TV
and announced to no one in particular. "I'm going to bed." And he
did...without another thought.
Anything extraordinary here? Wonder why women live longer...?
'CAUSE THEY ARE MADE FOR THE LONG HAUL.......
(and they can't die sooner, they still have things to do!!!!)
Forward this to as many men as you can so that they know why
women are so special :) ..........!
By Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Question! | Add a comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | I just know that every man will love this and only a few brave women will actually pass it on! The best saying of the decade (if not the century)!
'If women are so perfect at multitasking ,how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?'
By Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Drugs for Women | Add a comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!
ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, 'You make me want to be a better person. '
BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat
ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.
Now, send these to any woman who needs a good laugh, and any man who can handle it.
By Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | HOW TO BE A GOOD WIFE(The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for the High School girls, teaching how 2prepare for married life.Now the updated version for the '2010s woman.) | Add a comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | OLD WAY
1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.
2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on your way home will do wonders for ur outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he belches at the table.(Don't forget to use his credit card!)
3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.
4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. 5. Minimize the noise: When he arrives at home remind him that the washer and garbage disposal are still not working properly and the noise is driving you crazy (but do this in a nice way and greet him with a warm smile...this way he might fix it faster).
6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.
7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.
10. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.
NEW WAY
1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and let her know you'll need her for an extra day this week. Tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.
4. Prepare the children: Drop them off at grandma's!
5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.
6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Simply remind him that the last one home does the cooking and the cleanup.
7. Make him comfortable: Remind him where he can find a warm fuzzy blanket if he's cold. This will show you really care.
8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.
9. Make the evening his: a chance to get the washer and garbage disposal fixed.
10. The Goal: To try to keep things amicable without reminding him that you make more money than he does.
By Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Why do men fear commitment? | Add a comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Don't be so surprised. Yes; most of us do know what 'commitment' means and can spell it correctly. It's like an automobile. No matter how good you think this year's model is, they're always coming out with newer, faster, better, sleeker, and sexier models. We simply cannot be expected to purchase the first one we see. We must browse around a bit and test drive a few. Who wants to end up with a lemon? At least with a car, there's a slight chance of it eventually becoming a classic. It simply makes much more sense to lease and upgrade to the younger... err... I mean newer models every couple of years. Some of them come with fun extras like dual air bags.
By Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Why do men fear commitment? | Add a comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Don't be so surprised. Yes; most of us do know what 'commitment' means and can spell it correctly. It's like an automobile. No matter how good you think this year's model is, they're always coming out with newer, faster, better, sleeker, and sexier models. We simply cannot be expected to purchase the first one we see. We must browse around a bit and test drive a few. Who wants to end up with a lemon? At least with a car, there's a slight chance of it eventually becoming a classic. It simply makes much more sense to lease and upgrade to the younger... err... I mean newer models every couple of years. Some of them come with fun extras like dual air bags.
By Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | What does it mean when men say "I Love You? | Add a comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | 1 Please sleep with me.
2 I'm sorry for whatever it is that I did.
3 I forgot to get you a gift; this will have to do.
4 Huh? I'm sorry; I wasn't listening.
5 What did I forget? This should buy me a little time.
6 Stop nagging me.
7 What do I have to do to get a beer around here?
By Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | POINT SYSTEM (ACCORDING TO WOMEN)(In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.) | Add a comment » | Started by Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Social Engagements
U stay by her side the entire party. 0
U stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy.. -2
Named Tiffany.... -4
Tiffany is a dancer... -6
When mingling, U hold Ur mate's hand n gaze at her lovingly.. +1
When mingling, U introduce her as "the ol' ball n chain" n pat her on the rump. -5
When she points out a hot-looking woman n asks if U think she's pretty, U say, "Yes, but nowhere near as pretty as U". +1
When she points to a woman n asks if U think she's pretty, U say, "Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy in bed".... -6
That woman is her sister. -90
U have one drink, n that's it... 0
U have more than a few n perform the tango with a poodle.. -2
U have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted.... -18
Saturday Afternoon
U go to the mall together. +3
U go to the mall, drop her off in front, then park the car. +4
Then drive to a sports bar. -2
U spend the day shopping for furniture n pretend to like it... +3
U spend the day shopping for furniture, n nap on a sectional.. 0
U spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk. +3
Most of it chips n beer.-6
U tackle a large household project, such as painting the den.... +15
Or refinishing the floors... +19
Or adding a second floor.+25
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket. -6
n U're tickled pink about it. -15
U visit her parents.+1
U visit her parents n actually make conversation.+3
U visit her parents n stare vacantly at the television.-3
n the television is off. -6
U spend the afternoon watching football in Ur underwear....... -6
n U didn't even go to college.-10
Drinking beer .-12
n it's not Ur underwear..-15
Her Birthday
U take her out to dinner... 0
U take her out to dinner n it's not a sports bar..+1
n it's all-U-can-eat night..-3
U go to a nice, pricey restaurant n hire a guitar player.+3
U get up n sing..+4
n U stink..+2
n U're not half bad.... +5
U give her a gift. 0
It's a power tool.-20
It's a small appliance.-10
It's not a small appliance...+1
It's not a chocolate.. +2
A gift that U'll be paying off for months.+30
U wait until the last minute n buy her a gift that day.-10
With her credit card..-30
n whatever U bought is two sizes too big.-40
n U leave the sale price on..-50
Thoughtfulness
U forget her birthday completely...-10
U forget Ur anniversary..-20
U forget to pick her up at the airport..-25
Which is in Newark, New Jersey... -35
n the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast..... -50
A Night Out With The Boys
Go out with a pal.... -5
n the pal is happily married.... -4
Or frighteningly single........ -7
n he drives a Trans Am..... -10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED).. -15
U have a few beers..... -5
U get home at 3 am....... -20
Smelling of booze n cheap cigars..... -30
n not wearing any pants......... -40
Is that a tattoo???.......-200
A Night Out
U take her to a movie......... +2
U take her to a movie she likes.... +4
To a movie U hate (anything with Barbara Streisand)... +6
To a movie U like....... -2
It's called DeathCop 3... -7
Which features cyborgs having sex...... -9
When asked how she looks, U reply, "fine" or "nice".... 0
U reply, "beautifull" or "gorgeous"... +5
U reply anything without being asked...... +10
U notice something she did special, (hair, nails, eyelashes).... +15
U mention U like her new hairdo.... +15
She says she had that done last week.... -10
The Big Question
She asks, "Do I look fat"?.. -5
U hesitate in responding..... -10
U pretend U didn't hear. -12
U reply, "Where"?..-25
U reply, "Compared to what"?.-30
U reply, "But I like U that way".... -35
U reply, "Not for Ur age" -40
By Devaraju Kanchi, Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Some Wacky Quotes to lighten the moment and mood… Add on group mates | Add a comment » | Started by Narayana Kashyap, at ITC Infotech India Ltd | | 1. A foolish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.
2. One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption :
Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD
After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY
3. Three FASTEST means of Communication :
1. Tele-Phone
2. Tele-Vision
3. Tell to Woman
Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANY ONE.
4 A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman.
Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.
Moral : BE SPECIFIC
5. If you do NOT have a Girl Friend - You are missing SOME thing in your life. If you HAVE a Girl Friend - You are missing EVERY thing in your life.
6. Question : When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE.
Answer : On their MARRIAGE.
7. Why Indian Government does NOT allow a Man to MARRY 2 Women. Because per Indian Constitution, you can NOT PUNISH TWICE for the same Mistake.
By Narayana Kashyap, at ITC Infotech India Ltd | News Discussions (1) Don't want to receive email notifications? Adjust your message settings. LinkedIn values your privacy. At no time has LinkedIn made your email address available to any other LinkedIn user without your permission. © 2010, LinkedIn Corporation. |
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