Most Active Discussions (3) Discussions (33) | Anniversary Gift | 3 comments » | Started by Srinivasan N, Deputy General Manager - Human Resources at Equitas Micro Finance India Pvt Ltd | | ya the husband wont be alive to celebrate it i guess.....!!! LOL
By Shratark Katarkar[TopLinked] [LION][2000+] Direct, Research Analyst at SaleSify | | Special Medications Just For Women | 1 comment » | Started by Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | 1. St. Mom's Wort
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
2. EmptyNestrogen
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
3. Peptobimbo
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
4. Dumerol
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ causing enjoyment of country western music.
5. Flipitor
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
6. Antiboyotics
When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
7. Menicillin
Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person... can we get naked now?"
8. Buyagra
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
9. Extra Strength Buy-One-all
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donny Osmond CD or an Anna Nicole Smith exercise video.
10. Jackasspirin
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
11. Sexcedrin
More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
12. Ragamet
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself
13. Damitol
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.
By Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | Difference between a friend & a true friend... | Add a comment » | Started by Shratark Katarkar[TopLinked] [LION][2000+] Direct, Research Analyst at SaleSify | | What's the difference between a friend & a true friend...???
A friend will bail you out of Jail if needed
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But a True friend will sit next to you in the Jail & say bro we are in deep shit.
Miss all my true friends.....!!!!!!!!!
By Shratark Katarkar[TopLinked] [LION][2000+] Direct, Research Analyst at SaleSify | | Objects (Are they male or female?) | Add a comment » | Started by Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | Tire - male, because it goes bald and often is overinflated.
Sponges - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
Hammer - male, because it hasen't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
Kidneys - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
Ziplock Bags - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
Web Page - female, because it is always getting hit on.
Shoe - male, because it is usually unpolished, with it's tongue hanging out.
Remote Control - female, because it gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
Swiss Army Knife - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of it's time just opening bottles.
Copier - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up, it is an effective reproduction device when the right buttons are pushed, and because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
Hot Air Balloon - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and of course, there's the hot air part.
Hourglass - female, because over time the weight shifts to the bottom.
Subway - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
By Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | Men Beware! | Add a comment » | Started by Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | Men Beware! This is very frightening!!!! Men, be more alert and cautious
when getting a drink offer from a girl. There is a new drug that is in
liquid form. The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at
parties to induce their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking
news is that the drug is available virtually anywhere! It goes by the
street name "Beer". All girls have to do is buy a "Beer" or two for almost
any guy and then simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men
are rendered literally helpless against such tactics. Please! Forward this
to everyone you know...There are just too many innocent men out there to
leave unaware of the great vulnerability they may have to this insidious
liquid.
By Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | 9 WORDS WOMEN USE | Add a comment » | Started by Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with Nothing usually end in Fine.
Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!
Loud Sigh
This is not actually a word, but it is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing.
(Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
That’s Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. “That’s okay” means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
Thanks
A woman is thanking you, do not question it or faint. Just say you’re welcome.
Whatever
Is a women’s way of saying FUCK YOU!
Don’t worry about it, I got it
Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but she is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?”
For the woman’s response refer to #3.
By Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | The bride replies | Add a comment » | Started by Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.
The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited."
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face.
The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited."
The bride replies, "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life!"
By Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | Pure wife | Add a comment » | Started by Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home.
When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?"
She replies "A cock."
He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough. A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question.
She replies, "A cock".
He is angry because she seemed more pure than the first but.... A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house.
He whips it out and asks, "What is this?"
She giggles and says, "A pee-pee."
He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman. They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says, "That's your pee-pee."
He finally breaks down and says, "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock."
She laughs and says "No it's not, a cock is ten inches long and black."
By Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | A typical married couple | Add a comment » | Started by Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | A typical married couple was lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book.
As he was reading, he paused and reached over to his wife and started fondling her "kitty". He did this only for a very short while. Then he would stop, and resume reading his book.
The wife gradually became aroused with this. Thinking that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement, before going any further, she got up and started stripping in front of him.
The husband confused, asked, "What are you doing taking all your clothes off?"
The wife replied, "You were playing with my "kitty", I thought it was for*play to stimulate making love with you tonight. The husband said, "No, not at all."
Then the wife asked, "Well what the hell were you doing then?"
To which the husband replied, "I was wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in the book."
By Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | Marriage One Liner | Add a comment » | Started by Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
Lov is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
Der r two times a man does'nt understand a woman, b4 marriage and after marriage!
A successful husband is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man!
A woman worries about da future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about his future until he gets a wife!
Married man live longer than a single man, but married man r lot more willing to die!
If ur dog is barking at da back door and ur wife is yelling at da front door, who do u let in first? da Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after u let him in!
A woman has da last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is da begining of a new argument.
Any married man should 4get his mistakes because there is no use in remembering two people da same thing.
B4 marriage, a man yearns 4 da woman he lovs. After marriage, da "y" becomes silent.
I asked my wife, "Where do u want to go 4 our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about da kitchen?"
To be happy with a man, u must understand him a lot and luv him a little. To be happy with a woman, u must luv her a lot and not try to understand her at all !
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he does'nt. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
She ran after da garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late 4 da garbage?" Following her down da street I yelled, "No, jump in!"
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and da woman gets her Masters.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate ur relatives. In fact, I like ur mother-in-law better than I like mine."
da honeymoon is over when da husband calls home to say he'll be late 4 dinner and da answering machine says it is in da microwave.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And da father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying 4 it."
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because da thief was spending less than his wife did.
A man who muttered a few words in da church, found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced!
Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on da outside u trying to get in. Those on da inside r trying to get out.
Marriage puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under da man's eyes.
Marriage is a rest period between romances.
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
Don't marry 4 money, u can borrow it cheaper.
Getting married is similar to going to da restaurant with friends. u order what u want, and when u see what da other fellow has, u wish u had ordered that.
May u grow so rich ur widow's second husband never has to worry about a living. - God 4bid.
Marriage is a romantic story, in which hero dies in da first chapter."
Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not da only thing in life!!
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. -Oscar Wilde
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married 4 two years. -Sam Kinison
A psychiatrist is a person who will give u expensive answers that ur wife will give u 4 free.
Men have a better time than women; 4 one thing, day marry later; 4 another thing, dey die earlier. -H. L. Mencken
luv is holding hands in da street. Marriage is holding arguments in da street.
TV has no place in luv. Marriage is a fight 4 remote control.
luv is dinner in ur favorite restaurant. Marriage is a take home packet.
luv is talking about having children. Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
luv is cuddling on a sofa. Marriage is one of dam sleeping on a sofa.
By Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | awesome hair spray | Add a comment » | Started by Shratark Katarkar[TopLinked] [LION][2000+] Direct, Research Analyst at SaleSify | | A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."
By Shratark Katarkar[TopLinked] [LION][2000+] Direct, Research Analyst at SaleSify | | The Man's Strategy for Going to the Bathroom: | Add a comment » | Started by Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | 1) Walk slowly and proudly up to the bathroom, make sure everyone knows that is where you are headed.
2) Enter the bathroom, and quickly check out the whole room
3) Look for the right urinal. This is how to pick your urinal: There must be at least one urinal between you and the next closest person (on either side) to you, if this is not available, take the urinal next to the wall, beside a 'safe looking' male. If this is also not available, glance at stalls, or leave bathroom, and return later, to get the right spot.
4) If proper urinal is available, approach urinal swiftly, looking straight ahead, never turning eyes or head. Another approach is to look at the floor, feet are always good as well.
5) Undo pants, relieve yourself as quickly as possible, keep head looking down (or eyes closed and head held looking up) this way no one will think you are trying to check them out.
6) Shake it off, put it back in your pants.
** Note Steps 7 and 8 are optional, but recommended in 45 of the 50 states.
7) Wash hands.
8) Attempt to dry hands. Look to see if a blow dryer or paper towel dispenser is close by. If not, your clothes will do just fine as a towel.
9) Exit bathroom, do NOT look back, you didn't forget anything.
10) Check to see if your female companion has exited the bathroom before you, although highly unlikely, you must check anyway.
11) Wait patiently for her return, remember to NOT say things like, "Wow, what took you so long."
By Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | How To Translate Womenspeak | Add a comment » | Started by Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | When She Says She Really Means
No...................................... Yes.
Of course I'm not upset................. Of course I'm upset, you moron!
I might as well tell you
Bob and I are seeing each other......... Bob and I are having sex.
I feel I've known you my whole life..... I'm drunk.
Will you respect me in the morning?..... You won't tell your friends, will you?
I never do this on my first date........ I always do this on my first date.
Don't touch me there.................... Touch me there, but I'm going to stop you
the first few times.
You're...so manly....................... You need to shave and you sweat a lot.
Hello? Oh yes. Didn't we meet at the
bar Friday night?.... I've been waiting by the phone for thre days
Let's not talk "commitment". Let's
just see what happens...... I'm not taking any birth control pills.
You're certainly lovely tonight......... Is sex all you ever think about?
I can't believe you're here.It must
be fate...... I've been following you all day.
I'm particular who I have sex with...... I draw the line at barnyard animals.
I'm not emotional and
I'm not over-reacting...... I'm having my period.
I hope you're not disappointed.......... I'm flat chested.
Want to come upstairs for a nightcap?... Want to come upstairs and have sex?
Just come upstairs for a drink.......... Maybe if I get you drunk you'll have sex with me.
I love a man who takes charge........... You're picking up the bill, aren't you?
Be romantic...turn out the lights....... I have flabby thighs.
By Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | A job negotiator and a feminist | Add a comment » | Started by Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | A job negotiator and a feminist were in dispute... The feminist was argueing over the different pay scales that her women were receiving...
Fem: Okay, why are women paid less than men for doing the same job that a man does.
Neg: It says in the Bible that women are worth less than men.
Fem: Where does it say that? I don't think so.
Neg: Well, you do agree that woman was made from a rib, correct?
Fem: Yeah, so?
Neg: Well, there you have it. A rib is a cheaper cut of meat!
By Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | A Women's Strategy for Going to the Bathroom: | 1 comment » | Started by Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | Here's an alternate list for Women:
1. Try to beat all other women into the restroom because there is always a line and if u let a few in front of u, u could have another 15 minute wait.
2. Never go to the first stall or stalls directly in front of the mirrors and basins as someone might be able to see in the stall. Never ever go to a stall without toilet paper.
3. Enter and lock the stall. (If it doesn't lock or have toilet paper, look for the next stall) Look for a relatively save place to lay down anything u are carrying (since we NEVER have pockets).
4. The toilet seat liners are always all gone so just hope the person who made the toilet seat lid warm before u sat down isn't carrying a life threatening disease. If the bathroom is really scary, then line it with toilet paper to be safe or hang over the seat to go.
5. While going, pull off a handful of toilet paper. Never ever drip dry. If u forgot to look first for toilet paper and there isn't any, ask for toilet paper from someone nearby. Flush.
6. Walk to sink and try to find a dry clean place to lay down any items u might be carrying or hold them between ur legs.
7. Wash hands with soap. The dirtier the bathroom, the longer u wash them.
8. Look for paper towel, if there is none, mumble under breath, and go get a handful of toilet paper from the nearest empty stall. NEVER WIPE HANDS ON CLOTHING!
9. On the way out of the bathroom, try to figure out how to get out with re-touching the door handle.
10.Find boyfriend/husband outside. u knew he would get out there before u because he doesn't have to pull down his pants all the way to go, nor does he wash his hands appropriately.
11.Hope the soap u washed ur hands with is enough to kill the germs he carried out with him.
By Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | How stupid their wives were. | Add a comment » | Started by Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | Three friends were sitting in a bar, drinking Beer, and discussing how stupid their wives were.
The first guy, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the market and bought meat worth 1000 bucks because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in."
The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker.
"Just last week, she went out and spent 4 lacs on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"
Banta nods sagely, and agrees that these two women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber.
"Ah, it kills me every time I think of it," he chuckles. "My wife just left to go on a holiday in Germany. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a pen*s!
By Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | One for the HR Department!! (Long one but worth it) | Add a comment » | Started by Harshad Katikar, Client Outreach Partner at Hexaware Technologies | | One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Department Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she met St. Peter. "Welcome to Heaven," he said. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a HRD Manager make it this far and we're not sure what to do with you."
We're going let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose where you want to spend eternity ." He put her in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out on to a beautiful golf course. In front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering. They ran up and kissed her and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and she found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in Heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"Now you must choose, "The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff."
By Harshad Katikar, Client Outreach Partner at Hexaware Technologies | | How woman think about Men -------------------------- | Add a comment » | Started by Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | 1. What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women
2. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One...men will screw anything.
3. How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.
4. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
5. What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
6. How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He's breathing.
7. How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?
8. What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Government bonds mature.
9. How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off of his head.
10. What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up.
11. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know, it's never been done.
12. How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are
handicapped.
13. What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
14. What's a man's idea of a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.
15. What's a man's idea of helping you with the housework?
Picking up his feet so you can vacuum.
16. What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
17. What's the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding, scum-sucker, and the other is a fish!
18. What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.
19. What do you have when you have two balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.
20. What are the two reasons why men don't mind their business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.
21. Why did God create man?
Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.
22. Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?
He knows firsthand the penalty for early withdrawel.
23. Why are men like laxatives?
They both irritate the shit out of you.
24. If a man got pregnant...
Abortion would be available in convenient stores and drive-thru
windows.
25. Why do men name their penises?
They want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes
all of their decisions.
26. Why is it so hard for women to find a man who is sensitive,
caring, and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.
27. Did you hear about the man who won a gold medal at The Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
28. Why do men like masturbation?
It's sex with someone they love.
29. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they don't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
30. What is gross stupidity?
144 men in the same room.
31. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
32. How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three: One to hold the pan, and two others to show off and
shake the stove.
33. What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
34. How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy But Wearable."
By Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last: | 1 comment » | Started by Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | 1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in B.C.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburettor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
10. Remember...Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.
12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
13. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, 'Dust!"
15. In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman... Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
16. Why do men die before their wives? Because they want to.
By Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | WOMEN'S/MEN'S ENGLISH: | Add a comment » | Started by Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
Yes = No.
No = Yes.
Maybe = Hell no.
We need = I want.
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
You're so .... manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like.
MEN'S ENGLISH: I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
I love you = Let's have sex now.
What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question.
May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'll take you to a nice restaurant and then I'd like to have sex with you.
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next ten minutes.
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you.
I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
By Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | Men vs Women at the Drive Thuough ATM Machine(This doesn't shed a good light on women, but is nevertheless entertaining...) | Add a comment » | Started by Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | HIM:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, receipt, and card
5. Leave
HER:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because she's too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
12a. Hit "cancel"
12b. Call husband to get correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake
By Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | Types Of Girls You Might See In The Restroom | Add a comment » | Started by Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | Sloppy - Skirt drags in toilet while squatting, pees all over front of toilet seat, never uses toilet paper, drags her business all over seat, forgets to flush and emerges with back of skirt caught in pants.
Timid - Looks under stall door to see if anyone else is in the can, turns on faucet full force, backs up to toilet, squats quickly, flushes for constant flow of water, coughs, hums, listens intently to learn if sound other than faucet can be heard. Ends up with loud fart, walks out blushing.
Frivolous - Lets stream go in little squirts to the tune of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat."
Literary - Always takes book of the month to the can with her. Blames "Forever Amber" for her piles.
Cautious - Has heard of so many girls contracting VD from toilet seats that she straddles bowl, leans over to flush, pees on her nylons.
Worried - A week past due. Squats thoughtfully, counting days overdue on fingers. Uses toilet paper, examines it hopefully. Peers into toilet before flushing, sighing deeply. Walks out biting nails after forgetting to wash hands. Resolves never to go to bed drunk again.
Cross-Eyed - Sits on one cheek on the side of the seat and pees all over the floor. Usually wears rubber boots on her visits to the can, and carries a box of Kleenex in her purse.
Big Time - Always leaves toilet door open while she chats and brags to the other girls about the guy she "had" last night. Shows girls her panties with black lace edging and "Welcome" embroidered in the crotch. Has never been to bed with a man.
Selfish - Enters alone and locks the door, saying to the girls following that she will be out in a minute. Leisurely pees. Remarks, adjusts clothes and poses before mirror keeping others squirming outside for an hour.
Conceited - Approaches toilet with undulating movements. Raises dress by finger tips. Expression while peeing indicates such a lovely creature should not be compelled to attend to such lowly duties. Farts silently and disdainfully.
Hardy Girl - Raises dress with a whoop. Scuttles across the floor beating other occupant to toilet. Squats with great force, rattling windows and causing breasts to bob up and down, hums lively tune, peeing in squirts to keep time, farts loudly and with great glee.
Drunk - Wobbles to toilet. After several attempts manages to raise dress. Squats on toilet with shrieks of laughter. Pees for a while, singing happy songs, suddenly starts to sob broken heartedly as she realizes that she forgot to pull down her panties. Continues peeing and sobbing.
The I Don't Care Girl - Just squats and fires away.
Stuboorn Girl - Believes all public places are contaminated. Stands three feet in front of toilet, backs up, takes careful aim and fires away, always misses, but will try again.
By Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | What's the definition of a perfect woman? | Add a comment » | Started by Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | a) Three feet tall with a round hole for a mouth and a flat head so that you can put a pint of beer on it.
b) The sports model has pullback ears and her teeth fold in.
c) The economy model fucks all night and, at midnight, turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack.
By Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | A very 'straight and honest' girl | Add a comment » | Started by Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | A very 'straight and honest' girl is going to Town. Before she left, her mother gave her some advice: "Daughter, when you're in Town and if you're looking for a match there, you must take note of the following the requirements mother set for you. You must find a man that is faithful', 'thrifty' and must be a 'virgin'.
With this advice from her mother, the girl went to Town. After some months later, she came home to get her mother's blessings to marry.
"Mother, I've met the my match following your instructions. My future husband is faithful because when we went out for holiday one day, he took care of me specifically even though there were so many prettier girls around. Isn't that beingfaithful?"
Her mother nodded in agreement.
"Then, since the day was getting late in the night and rain was pouring, my boyfriend decided that we stay the night at a hotel. He also suggested that in order not to spend too much, they'll share one room only. Isn't he not thrifty guy?"
For the second time her mother nodded her head in agreement, but with a little concern.
"And finally mum..., I know he is a virgin"
"How did you know he is still a virgin?" The mother asked with repidition. "MMM...his 'that one' is still new and hard....all wrapped up in plastic, mum!"
By Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | Spinning Husband | Add a comment » | Started by Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | This woman dies, and when she gets to heaven she asks Saint Peter, "Would it be possible for me to get together with my dear departedhusband? He died many years ago."
Saint Peter asks, "What's his name?"
"John Smith," replies the woman.
"Gee," says Saint Peter, "we've got a lot of John Smiths up here. But sometimes we can identify people by their last words. Do you happen to remember what his last words were?"
The woman thinks for a moment, then says, "Oh yes! I remember them! He said that if I ever slept with another man after he was gone, he would roll over in his grave."
"Oh!" says Saint Peter. "You mean Whirling John Smith!"
By Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | Mad Cow Disease ! | Add a comment » | Started by Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | A female TV reporter went to have an interview with a farmer, seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease .......
Lady : Good evening Sir, we are here to collect information about the reason that causes Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea what might be the reason ?
The Farmer stared at the reporter and said, " Do you know that the bull screws the cow once a year ? "
The Lady ( getting embarrassed ) : " Well sir, that's a new piece of information. But what is the relation between this phenomenon and Mad CowDisease ? "
The Farmer : " Well Madam, do you know that we milk the cow four times a day ? "
The Lady : " Yes ! But can you come to the point please ? "
The Farmer : " I am getting to the point Madam ........ Just imagine ........ if I was playing with your breasts, four times a day and screwing you ........ ONLY ........ once a year, would you also not get mad ? "
By Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | Really mean insults | 1 comment » | Started by Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | 1. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!
2. He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome.
3. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
4. I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your looks?
5. At least there's one thing good about your body. It isn't as ugly as your face!?
6. Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing
7. Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head!
8. I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you.
9. Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
10. If I had a face like yours. I'd sue my parents!
11. Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!
12. Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?
13. Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!
14. Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?
15. Don't think, it may sprain your brain!
16. Fellows like you don't grow from trees; they swing from them.
17. He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot to wind it up this morning.
18. He has a mind like a steel trap, always closed!
19. You are a man of the world and you know what sad shape the world is in.
20. He is always lost in thought it's unfamiliar territory.
21. Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?
22. He is known as a miracle comic. if he's funny, it's a miracle!
23. He is listed in Who's Who as What's That?
24. He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
25. He is so short, when it rains he is always the last one to know.
26. He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
27. How come you're here? I thought the zoo is closed at night!
28. How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
29. How much refund do you expect on your head now that it's empty.
30. How would you like to feel the way you look??
31. Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?
32. I can't talk to you right now; tell me, where will you be in the next 10 years?
33. I don't want you to turn the other cheek; it's just as ugly.
34. I don't know who you are, but whatever you are, I'm sure everyone will agree with me.
35. I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.
36. I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?
37. I can't seem to remember your name, and please don't help me!
38. I don't even like the people you're trying to imitate, if you are at all.
39. I know you were born silly, but why did you have a relapse?
40. I know you're a self-made man. It's nice of you to take the blame!
41. I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be!
42. I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!
43. Why are you so stupid today? Anyway, I think that's very typical of you.
44. Do u practice being this ugly?
By Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | Sarcastic Sayings | Add a comment » | Started by Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | 1. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
5. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
9. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
13. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
By Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | Bitchy comebacks | Add a comment » | Started by Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
By Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | TRUE FRIENDSHIP | 1 comment » | Started by Chandrashekaran K N, CEO at Indraprasta Consultants | | A TRUE [scroo] friend !!
By Prashant Panchal, Key Account Manager at Rockwell Automation | | THIS WEEK'S BEST BLONDE JOKE | Add a comment » | Started by Chandrashekaran K N, CEO at Indraprasta Consultants | | A blond woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug
through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
By Chandrashekaran K N, CEO at Indraprasta Consultants | | TO BE PONDERED WITH GOOD FRIENDS | Add a comment » | Started by Chandrashekaran K N, CEO at Indraprasta Consultants | | People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.
Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.
If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
By Chandrashekaran K N, CEO at Indraprasta Consultants | Job Discussions (2) Find the best talent on LinkedIn - Reach over 65 million top professionals
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