Most Active Discussions (3) | God Enjoys a Good Laugh | 16 comments » | Started by Al Macintyre | | Al! Al! Here we go again with political correctness! It's the fanatics who can't take a joke, not the REAL Moslems! If the fanatics don't...
More » By Brian Maloney [LION] | Discussions (15) | Attitude | 2 comments » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Lovely. Thanks Deva, have more such ones coming
By Ajai Agarwal, Owner AqologyTeknix & AlphatechEngineers. Promoting new Water & Energy technologies--Clean, economical, maintenance-free | | Bitter Men Say the Cutest Things | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was nearly impossible.
A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman ... then ... pow! ... it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "Awww, my wife found out."
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Love, Lust & Marriage | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Love: When you take a bubble bath together
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath
Love: A romantic candlelight dinner for two
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage:4 Happy Meals . . . to go
Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping candy off of the carpet
Love: A night out at the Symphony
Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice
Love: Aroma -French perfume
Lust: Aroma -Brut aftershave
Marriage: Aroma -"The baby needs changing. . ."
Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ."
Marriage: Your teenager just took your jacket
Love: Talking and cuddling
Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep
Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . .
Love: Finding the "Fell in Love on AOL" chat-room
Lust: Finding the "Blonde Dominatrix" chat-room
Marriage: Finding the "Married and Looking" chat-room
Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the back-seat
Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex 5 times a night
Marriage: Sex ???
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | God Provides | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | A rich girl and a poor boy fall in love and decide to marry.
The girl's father is strongly against such a decision, but after a long argument, the daughter finally gets her way. The father agrees that the two can marry, but he insists on meeting the man before the date is set. His daughter agrees and invites her fiancé over for dinner.
Dinner goes well. Then, afterwards, the father invites his future on-in-law into the study. The father asks him what he does for a living, to which the boy replies, "I am a religious man; I study the Testaments."
The father then asks, "How are you going to support my daughter's high living standard."
The boy replies, "I will study, and God will provide."
The father, now losing his patience asks, "How will you afford a nice place to live?"
The boy again replies, "I will study, and God will provide."
For over an hour, the questioning continued and the same answers were heard, "I will study, and God will provide."
The interrogation finally ends. The happy couple expresses their thanks for the lovely meal, and then leave.
Later in the evening, the wife asks her husband how his discussion with their daughter's boyfriend went.
The father replies, "Well, there's good news and bad news. The bad news is that the boy has no job, no money, and no chance of ever providing for our daughter."
The mother then says, "Certainly there must be some good news!"
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Rolls Royce Loan!!! | 1 comment » | Started by David Smith, Business Development Director | | yeah true 20 bucks for parking with maximum possible safety for his car. LOL. Good one
By Arvind Khanna, Regional Manager - Dynamic Professional - comprehensively experienced across various business domains | | Lawyer and Blonde Game | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500," figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn.
She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress.
Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep!
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | What I Want in a Man | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | What I Want in a Man - Original List (Age 22)
Handsome
Charming
Financially successful
A caring listener
Witty
In good shape
Dresses with style
Appreciates finer things
Full of thoughtful surprises
An imaginative, romantic lover
What I Want in a Man - Revised List (Age 32)
Nice looking - prefer hair on his head
Opens car doors, holds chairs
Has enough money for a nice dinner
Listens more than talks
Laughs at my jokes
Carries bags of groceries with ease
Owns at least one tie
Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
Seeks romance at least once a week
What I Want in a Man - Revised List (Age 42)
Not too ugly - bald head OK
Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
Works steady - splurges on dinner on occasion
Nods head when I'm talking
Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
Remembers to put the toilet seat down
Shaves on most weekends
What I Want in a Man - Revised List (Age 52)
Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
Doesn't belch or scratch in public
Doesn't borrow money too often
Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm talking
Doesn't re-tell same joke too many times
Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
Appreciates a good TV dinner
Remembers your name on occasion
Shaves some weekends
What I Want in a Man - Revised List (Age 62)
Doesn't scare small children
Remembers where bathroom is
Doesn't require much money for upkeep
Only snores lightly when awake, though loudly when asleep
Remembers why he's laughing
Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
Usually wears some clothes
Likes soft foods
Remembers where he left his teeth
Remembers that it is a weekend
What I Want in a Man - Revised List (Age 72 and over)
A heartbeat.
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Why Dogs Are Better Than Women | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
Dogs think you sing great.
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Dogs don't care if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs enjoy rough play.
Dogs love red meat.
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
Anyone can get a good looking dog.
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
Dogs don't shop.
Dogs like it when you leave a lot of things on the floor.
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs love long car trips, and like the wind blowing through their hair.
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
Dogs don't hate their bodies.
No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
Dogs never criticize.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs never expect gifts, but appreciate any treat you give them.
Dogs don't worry about germs.
Dogs don't want to know about other dogs you have ever been with.
Dogs like to do their snooping outside, as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.
Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
Dogs would rather you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
Dogs never want foot rubs.
Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
Dogs find you amusing when you act silly.
Dogs don't cry.
Dogs aren't catty.
Dogs seldom outlive you.
Best of all, dogs love you unconditionally -- through good times and bad.
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Women's Secret Language! | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | For all you men, take heed. This is it! Understand this and you can stay out of whatever kind of trouble you feel the need to be in. The Secrets of Women's Language revealed - A must-read for any man - Keywords and their meanings:
"Fine":
This is the word a woman uses at the end of any argument that she feels she is right about, and just wants you shut up. NEVER use "fine" (or worse: "just fine") to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
"Five minutes":
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade
"Nothing":
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
"Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."
"Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
"Loud Sigh":
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
"Soft Sigh":
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
"Oh":
This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days.
"That's Okay":
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble
"Please Do":
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".
"Thanks":
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcome.
"Thanks a lot":
This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing."
I hope this information will help you avoid future misunderstandings.
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Why Men Can't Win | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | LAUGHTER | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Laughter and anger are mutually exclusive.
Laugh and your stress level will drop.
When you laugh your cells laugh with you.
Laughter improves the quality of life.
Make room in your life for people who laugh.
You'll do great things together.
Look for the funny side of problems.
The problems will become smaller.
Fear shrinks away in the face of laughter.
Laugh away the darkness.
Life is hilarious if you take the time to look for the humor in it.
Each time you laugh well, you lose THREE calories. GET SLIM!
Learn to laugh at yourself. You're a fluke of the universe.
Laughter helps you to release your creative abilities.
Laugh Often - people who laugh have more friends.
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Sweetheart | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Dear Sweetheart:
I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses.
You are my sweetheart
Your husband
Allen
His wife replied back after some days to her husband:
Dearest sweetheart,
Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.
1.. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2.. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3.. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three
kisses instead of the rent.
4.. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other items...........
5.. Other expenses 40 kisses
Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance.
Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise !!!
Your Sweet Heart
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Definition of Kiss: Professors of different subjects define the same word different ways.: | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Prof. of Finance: kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Algebra: kiss is two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Economics: kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.
Prof. of Chemistry: kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Prof. of Dentistry: kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of English: kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all the genders!
Prof. of Geometry: kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.
Prof. of Physiology: kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Physics: kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Philosophy: kiss is the persecution for the child,ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Prof. of Statistics: kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36
Prof. of Zoology: kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | And they walk among us | Add a comment » | Started by Brian Wade, Experienced Sales and Channels Professional | | You, who worry about democrats versus republicans -- relax, here is
our real problem. **
*In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the
qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty
simple the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35
years of age. *
*However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair
was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her
opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals
from becoming president.*
*The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws
hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating *
*"What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this
country than one born by C-section?" *
*Yep, these are the same kind of 18-year-olds that just voted in
our last election! *
*They breed and they walk Among US...
Anyone want to bet she was a blonde? Sorry Rose:)
By Brian Wade, Experienced Sales and Channels Professional | Don't want to receive email notifications? Adjust your message settings. LinkedIn values your privacy. At no time has LinkedIn made your email address available to any other LinkedIn user without your permission. © 2010, LinkedIn Corporation. |
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