Most Active Discussions (3) | God Enjoys a Good Laugh | 23 comments » | Started by Al Macintyre | | Hey would everyone lay off Al already? HUMOR is HUMOR,,,,this guy is funny and I don't want him so "jumped on" that he doesn't...
More » By Kimberly Crawford M.D. | | God Provides | 5 comments » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com) | | Rose ......awesome ... thought process....!!!!!!!!
By Dayanand S.V | Discussions (31) | Funny conversation | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | A girl says to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.
A husband was asked: Do you talk to your wife after sex?
He replied: Depends, if I can find a phone.
Man to wife on wedding night: Are you sure I'm the first man you are
sleeping with?
Wife reply: Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!
A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me, my pretty face or
my sexy body?
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: I like your sense of humor.
Doctor to his lady patient: You look terribly weak and
exhausted! Are you having your meals three times a day as I advised? Lady:Doctor, I thought you said three males a day.
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Widow bling | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | A woman's husband died. He had $20,000 to his name. After everything was done at the funeral home and cemetery, she told her closest friend that there was no money left.
Her friend asked, "How could that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?" "Well," the widow said, "the funeral cost me $6,000. And, of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the church, so that was another $2,000. The rest went for the memorial stone."
Her friend gasped, "$12,000 for the memorial stone?
My God, how big was it?"
The widow answered, "Three carats."
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Shhh-leep | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Define wife | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means,
Without. Information. Fighting Everytime!
Wife: No darling, it means,
With. Idiot. For. Ever
Picture
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Dating vs. Marraige | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | When you are dating
Farting is never an issue.
When you are married
You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.
When you are dating
He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married
He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"
When you are dating
He holds your hand in public.
When you are married
He flicks your ear in public.
When you are dating
A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.
When you are married
A King size bed feels like an army cot.
When you are dating
You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married
You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"
When you are dating
You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married
You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"
When you are dating
He hugs you when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married
He grabs your boob any chance he gets.
When you are dating
You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married
You wonder who will die first.
When you are dating
Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy."
When you are married
When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.
When you are dating
He knows what the "hamper" is.
When you are married
The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.
When you are dating
He understands if you "Aren't in the
mood."
When you are married
He says "It's your job."
When you are dating
He understands that you have "male" friends.
When you are married
He thinks they are all out to steal you away.
When you are dating
He likes to "discuss" things.
When you are married
He develops a "blank" stare.
When you are dating
He calls you by name.
When you are married
He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Perfect answer | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | A reporter asked Henry Ford the secret of his successful married
life.
"Same as with cars - STICK TO ONE MODEL."
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | The perfect man | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown NewYork. The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of
this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.
"I'll only marry you under three conditions."
"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.
"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat
diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our
engagement."
Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone,
called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said,
"Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"
The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she
thought of a more difficult situation.
"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part
of the Poconos along with a 40 acre summer home in the sweetest
vineyards of Italy."
The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New
York, then called another broker in Italy, and after his quick
conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"
The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final
request that would be impossible to live up to.
"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10 inch
penis."
A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands.
After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador
slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Two can play that game | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married. His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the girl was, and the he told him that it was Samantha a girl from the neighborhood. With a sad face the old man said to his son, "I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother." The young man again brought 3 more names to his father but ended up frustrated cause the response was still the same. So he decides to go to his mother. "Mama I want to get married but all the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you." His mother smiling said to him," Don't worry my son, you can marry any of those girls. You're not his son!
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | "I need directions." | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove
20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was
already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.
The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same
thing happened.
He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming
home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn
right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right
and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and
dropped the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen is the
cat there?" "Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife. Frustrated the
man said, "Put that cat on the phone, I'm lost and I need directions."
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Missing Husband | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he’s 6 foot 2 inches tall , blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him. The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, “You can’t believe her. He’s 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face.” The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report.
She replies, “Just because I reported him missing, doesn’t mean I wanted him back!”
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Do you know who you're talking to? | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | A Man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee. On his first day he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone, "Get me a coffee quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded,"You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No", replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you fool!"
The man shouted back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?"
"No.", replied the Managing Director.
"Good!", replied the trainee and put down the phone!
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Wow | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you thinking about?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it"
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Things that are impossible say when you're drunk | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
e) I'm not interested in fighting you.
f) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
g) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
h) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
i) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Letters From Husband & Wife | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | To My Dear Wife:
During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have
succeeded 36 times, which is an average of about once every ten days.
The following is a list of reasons why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were tired
20 times it was too early
15 times is was too late
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
22 times you had a headache
7 times you were sunburned
9 times you said your mother would hear us
43 times you weren't in the mood
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
6 times you were watching the late show on TV
5 times you didn't want to mess up your hairdo
16 you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
34 times you had to get up too early
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory becouse
6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me there was a crack in
the ceiling, 14 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times
I had wake you up to tell you I had finished, and once I was afraid I had
hurt you because I felt you move.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
To My Dear Husband:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the real reasons you
did not get more that you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat
44 times you did not come home at all
21 times you did not come
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got it in
10 times your toes were in a cramp
30 times you worked too late
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you caught it in your zipper
3 times your coffee was too hot and you burned your tongue
3 times you had a cold and your nose kept running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football on TV
Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you
missed and were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in
the ceiling; what I said was "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to
breathe.
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Cheating Husband(A FINE EXPLANATION) | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman, and was somewhat upset.
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And the husband began … "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days!
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same"
The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me!
With tears in her eyes and said, “Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?”
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Needs | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.
But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."
The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.
And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.
The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'
The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "
The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.
" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Talking(Women Talking About A Haircut) | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman 1: No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine.
Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Men Talking About A Haircut
Man 1: Haircut?
Man 2: Yeah.
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Female Communication Translated... | Add a comment » | Started by Raj Mitra, Branch Manager at HDFC Standard Life Insurance | | (1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2)Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3)Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4)Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5)Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6)That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here: This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'... that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8)Whatever: Is a women's way of saying **** YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
By Raj Mitra, Branch Manager at HDFC Standard Life Insurance | | Men Just Can't Win | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your rear end and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist pig.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't want to do, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore, you must be fooling around.
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | It Is Better To Be A Woman | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | 1. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
2. We can cry and get out of speeding tickets.
3. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
4. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
5. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
6. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
7. We can fully assess a person just by looking at her or his shoes.
8. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
9. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
10. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Attitude | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As the bride undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big guy, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants", she said.
"That's right!", said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"
With that, the bride flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on, and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!"
She said, "That's right and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes!"
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | After All We've Been Through | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | After 25 years of marriage, a husband said he wanted a divorce. His wife was stunned. "But Sam," she pleaded, "how could you want to divorce me after all we've been through together? Remember how just after we met, you caught malaria and nearly died, but I looked after you. Then when your family was wiped out in a hurricane, I was there for you. then when you were falsely accursed of armed robbery, I stood by you. Then when you lost $50,000 on the horses, I sympathized. And when that fire destroyed your office, I comforted you. How could you leave me? We've been through so much."
"That's the problem, Linda. Face it, you're just bad luck."
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | I Don't Want To Talk About It | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Morris calls his son in New York and says," Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to talk about it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing your mama."
The son is shocked and asks his father to tell him what happened. "I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."
"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"
"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell
her. It will spare me the pain."
"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"
"No I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."
"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."
"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."
A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. "Benny told me That you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."
Morris promises.
After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well Sahna, it worked this time, but what are we going to going to do next time to get them to come home for the holidays?"
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Marriage Then Divorce | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | She married him because he was such a "strong man"
She divorced him because he was such a "dominating male."
He married her because she was so "fragile and petite."
He divorced her because she was so "weak and helpless."
She married him because "he knows how to provide a good living."
She divorced him because "all he thinks about is business."
He married her because "she reminds me of my mother."
He divorced her because "she's getting more like her mother every day."
She married him because he was "happy and romantic."
She divorced him because he was "shiftless and fun-loving."
He married her because she was "steady and sensible."
He divorced her because she was "boring and dull."
She married him because he was "the life of the party."
She divorced him because he is always "the life of the party."
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Why did you divorce her? | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | A recently divorced cowboy, who was wearing new, ill-fitting boots that he'd bought on sale, met an old friend at a singles party. While they were sitting down, sampling the pot luck, the friend heard the story of the breakup and asked, "Why did you divorce her? Mary was pretty and we all knew she was a good cook and housekeeper. Did she step out on you?"
"No, I can't give you a reason," he said to his pal, as he removed his boots and gave a sigh of relief. "Maybe she was like these boots: fine-looking, loyal, and a good worker, but to look at them you couldn't tell how much they hurt me."
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Grounds For Custody | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.
After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Big Mistake | 1 comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Dear Wife:
I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years, and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today, and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me, or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your Ex-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your sister Carla and I are moving away to West Virginia together. Have a great life!
Response
Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much to try to drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with Carla, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that she had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich as Hell and Free
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | A Reasonable Wife | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | After being married for 30 years, a man took a look at his wife and said, "Honey, do you realize 30 years ago, I had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a pull out bed and watched a 13 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 21 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 51 year old blonde. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
Now the wife, a very reasonable woman, told him to go out and find a hot 21 year old blonde, and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and if he was lucky he would have a small television to watch.
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | 'Mother of Six" | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Deathbed Confession | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."
His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"
By Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | Say Something Positive | Add a comment » | Started by Deva (deva_18@ymail.com), Recruitment specialist at Makrotech | | A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are hunched over, I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
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