Most Active Discussions (3) | How Apt! | 6 comments » | Started by Aparna Ramesh K | | Aparna............ lungs squeezing laughter
By Manish Pandey | Discussions (19) | OH GOD....... | Add a comment » | Started by Deepak Bhatia, Business Development Executive - US Sales at Tech Mahindra | | It is really difficult to understand GOD.......!!!!!
HE makes beautiful women & then HE turns them into neighbours' WIVES......!!!!
By Deepak Bhatia, Business Development Executive - US Sales at Tech Mahindra | | The Candy With The Little Hole | Add a comment » | Started by Brian Wade, Experienced Sales and Channels Professional | | This should make you smile. You have to love little kids.
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red......................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange ..............Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!
The teacher had to leave the room!
By Brian Wade, Experienced Sales and Channels Professional | | Equal privileges | 1 comment » | Started by Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | Gross LOL
By Colleen Lindblad R.N., Home Health Care for the Elderly and Sick(clind1@optonline.net) | | Husband's Great Gift | Add a comment » | Started by Colleen Lindblad R.N., Home Health Care for the Elderly and Sick(clind1@optonline.net) | | Husband's Great Gift
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
By Colleen Lindblad R.N., Home Health Care for the Elderly and Sick(clind1@optonline.net) | | The misdirected shot | Add a comment » | Started by Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off
and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch,
fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and
immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered
to help ease his "pain."
"Please allow me to help, I am a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd
just allow me!" She told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnnoo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a
few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together
at his crotch.
The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She began to massage his groin.
After a few moments she asked, "does that feel better?" The man looked up at her and replied,
"yes, that feels pretty good ... but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
By Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | The Best "Out-Of-Office" E-Mail Auto-Replies: | Add a comment » | Started by Fazal Mogal, Vice President at Anakin Management Consultants Pvt Ltd | | Try them at ur own risk!!!
I am currently out at a job interview and
will reply to you if I fail to get the position.
2: I'm not really out of the office.
I'm just ignoring you.
12: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'
3:You are receiving this automatic notification because
I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't
have received anything at all.
4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having
my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management
5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails
you send me until I return from vacation.
Please be patient and your mail will be deleted
in the order it was received.
6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been
charged $5.99 or the first ten words and $1.99 for each
additional word in your message.
7: The e-mail server is unable to verify
your server connection and is unable to deliver this message.
Please restart your computer and try sending again..'
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see
how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to
a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and
can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
9: Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me.
Please wait by your PC for my response.
10: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for
my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
11: I've run away to join a different circus.
AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE
By Fazal Mogal, Vice President at Anakin Management Consultants Pvt Ltd | | Left or right handed | Add a comment » | Started by Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7 a.m. Sunday. But one of them got
transferred, and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome.
A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf, can I join the group?"
They were hesitant but said she could come once to try it. She said "Good, I'll be there at 6:30
or quarter to seven."
She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under-par round. The
guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and
pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said "Sure,
I'll be here at 6:30 or quarter to 7."
Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed, and matched
her 7-under par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked
her to join the group for keeps.
They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, "how do you know if you're
going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
She said "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who
sleeps in the nude. If his member is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed
to the left, I golf left-handed."
A guy asked "what if it's pointed straight up?"
She said "Then I'll be here at nine o'clock."
By Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | What is a rider ? | Add a comment » | Started by Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | A foursome of ladies came back after a round of golf. At the 19th hole in the Clubhouse, the Pro
asked them "How did your game go?"
The first said she had a good round with 25 riders. The second said she did OK with 16 riders.
The third said not too bad since I had 10 riders. The fourth was disappointed and said that she
played badly with only two riders.
The Pro was confounded by this term "rider" but not wanting to show his ignorance just smiled and
wish them better golf the next time. He then approached Jerry the bartender and asked "Jerry, can
you tell me what does this term 'riders' mean?" Jerry smiled and explained that a "rider" is when
you have hit a shot long enough to take a ride on a golf cart.
By Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | An English man, Irishman and a Scottishman | Add a comment » | Started by Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | An English man, Irishman and a Scottishman are sitting in a pub full of people. The Englishman
says, "The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free".
Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer. The Scottishman says,"..yeah. That's quite good
but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free." Again, the crowd in the pub
gave a big cheer. The Irish man says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the
ones in Ireland. In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into
the backroom for a shag"
The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the Irishman replies "No, but it happened to
my sister."
By Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | IN HONOR OF JEWISH MOTHERS' DAY | 3 comments » | Started by Chandrashekaran K N, CEO at Indraprasta Consultants | | Ahaa... All mothers are the same.. Jewish or not!
By Aparna Ramesh K, AGM at India Insure Risk Management Services | | ***ENGINEERS AND ACCOUNTANTS. A novel approach to saving money. | Add a comment » | Started by Rauf Cyclewala (rauflinkedin@yahoo.com), Analyst- Market Research & Business Intelligence | | Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into one restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
By Rauf Cyclewala (rauflinkedin@yahoo.com), Analyst- Market Research & Business Intelligence | | The funny side of English | 2 comments » | Started by SIDDHARTH SEHGAL, Student assistant at UAB School of Engineering | | Got news for you, Siddharth. I'm from Buffalo, and what you in Alabama call "soda", we call "pop". In New England, it's a frap. In New York, it's a milk shake. Go to Pennsylvania and you would think everyone eats nothing but scrapple. In Ireland, Their "bacon" is more like what we call Canadian Bacon, but their Canadian bacon is what we consider to be bacon. I've no idea what the heck grits are, any more than you would have any idea what beef on weck is. And when I was working at McDonalds when I was in high school, the whole place broke out laughing when a gentleman from India who was obviously Hindu ordered a Big Mac with no meat! What I'm getting at is that language is as much cultural as it is anything else. I speak German fairly well, have a moderate knowledge of Arabic, and can get along in Irish Gaelic. I've had opportunities to use all three, and I usually wind up getting at least an amused look, if not an outright chuckle, whenever I've spoken any of these. English has to be a tough language to learn, and I'll wager my life that you speak English better than I speak Hindi. Don't let it bother you. You're doing just fine. I have to get one last shot in, though. When the Johnnie Rebs down there say Y'all, I keep wondering why they're talking about boats all the time. After all, that's what a yawl REALLY is. Just keep laughing, my friend, and you'll be O.K.
By Brian Maloney [LION], Agent at Insurance Associates Marketplace Agency, Inc. | | Getting Older | 1 comment » | Started by George Marshall, VP Marketing at Dhyan Infotech | | "As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two... " - Sir Norman Wisdom
By George Marshall, VP Marketing at Dhyan Infotech | | A Limerick of Unknown Origin | Add a comment » | Started by Carol Ann Boudreault-Handy, Entrepreneur | | The limerick packs laughs anatomical
In space that is quite economical
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical
By Carol Ann Boudreault-Handy, Entrepreneur | | Things To Do In An Office Meeting !!!!!!!!!!!!!! | Add a comment » | Started by Mohammed Irshan, Sr. Staffing Consultant at Softpath Systems, Inc., | | 1) Take notes in finger paint.
2) At sensitive moments, blow your nose raucously. Apologize for your sinus condition.
3) Laugh uproariously at a quip that was made 2 or 3 minutes ago. Say, "Oh, _now_ I get it!"
4) Wear a disposable paper face mask. Tell the group: "Hey, you don't want to catch what I've got!"
5) Check your watch very regularly, every 30 seconds or so.
6) Make a face like somebody beside you farted.
7) Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the _real_reason this meeting has been called.
8) Slowly slump in your seat. When you are about to fall off the chair, suddenly straighten up. Apologize profusely.
9) Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.
10) Bring a noisy electric pencil sharpener. Sharpen your pencil every few minutes.
11) Complain loudly that your neighbor won't stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.
12) Have someone deliver a large cardboard box to you in the conference room. Apologize while you sign for it. About half an hour later, have
a different person deliver another one.
13) Remove your shoes and socks. Lay your socks on the table, turn each one inside out, and inspect them carefully. If anyone says anything, tell
them "doctor's orders."
14) Roll your eyes at almost everything the boss says. If addressed directly, adopt a cowering posture and stammer pitifully as you reply.
Ask that he or she "not hurt you anymore."
15) During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like
you are building up to an orgasm.
16) Bring a huge jar of Vaseline to the meeting. Display it prominently.
17) Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.
18) Every so often, duck under the table. Stare in horror. Pop back up and look real scared.
19) Rubberneck at the notes of the person next to you. Copy them word for word. Subvocalize as you do. Tell them that they "understand these
things better than you do."
20) Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.
21) Take your temperature every so often with a candy thermometer.
22) Distribute free condoms before or after the meeting.
23) Make all the stereotyped facial expressions to indicate that you are a
psychiatrist administering psychoanalysis to the speaker. Take notes
furiously.
24) Bring a pitcher of non-alcoholic beer to the meeting. As the meeting progresses, start slurring your speech. Belch loudly. Tell your
co-workers you can't help it. Start crying.
25) Have a timer that buzzes at intervals. When it goes off, take a pill from a pill case and gulp it down. If anyone asks, tell them it's to
"prevent the seizures."
By Mohammed Irshan, Sr. Staffing Consultant at Softpath Systems, Inc., | | Work vs. Prison!!!!!!!!!!!!! | Add a comment » | Started by Mohammed Irshan, Sr. Staffing Consultant at Softpath Systems, Inc., | | I have been sitting at work listening to people discussing the prisoner
trial and started wondering, do we really have it any better than prisoners?
In prison a prisoner spends the majority of his time in a 8' x 10'cell.
At work, I spend most of my time in a 6' x 8' cube.
In prison a prisoner gets three meals a day.
At work I only get a break for one meal and I have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work I get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
At work I must wear an ID badge at all times.
In prison they provide you with clothing with the ID conveniently sewn onto
the clothes.
At work there is a dress standard but I must buy my own clothes.
In prison there is a dress standard, but they supply the clothes.
At work I must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the
doors myself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for a prisoner.
In prison a prisoner can watch TV and play games.
At work I can get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they will pay prisoner's way through school to learn a new career
and give him time to do it.
At work they will pay for my education but I must do it on my own time.
In prison they have exercise rooms that they allow you to use almost
whenever you want.
At work we have an exercise room that you can use but it must be on your
time.
In prison a prisoner can fall asleep on the job and no serious consequences
comes from his actions.
At work if I fall asleep on the job I get put on the bosses hit list.
In prison they ball and chain prisoner when he goes somewhere.
At work you are just ball and chained.
In prison a prisoner has full medical coverage with no deductibles.
At work, you get partial coverage and pay all the deductibles.
In prison all expenses are paid by the taxpayer, with no work on their part.
At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then deduct the
taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoner.
By Mohammed Irshan, Sr. Staffing Consultant at Softpath Systems, Inc., | Job Discussions (1) Find the best talent on LinkedIn - Reach over 65 million top professionals
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