Most Active Discussions (1) Discussions (21) | Mottos to work(for you only) | Add a comment » | Started by Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.
Plagiarism saves time.
If at first you don't succeed, try management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
We waste time, so you don't have to.
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
Succeed in spite of management.
Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
By Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | Political Philosophies Explained in Simple Two-Cow Terms | Add a comment » | Started by Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | SOCIALISM You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
COMMUNISM You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk.
FASCISM You have two cows. The government takes them and sells you the milk.
BUREAUCRACY You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain.
CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
CORPORATE You have two cows. You sell one, force the other to produce the milk of four cows, then act surprised when it drops dead.
DEMOCRACY You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you must sell them both in order to pay the taxes to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow which was a gift from your government.
By Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | Ever wondered what your boss puts on your performance appraisal?(These are actual quotes taken from job performance reviews) | Add a comment » | Started by Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | 1. I would not allow this employee to breed.
2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.
3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.
5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
9. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.
10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
11. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.
12. A room temperature IQ.
13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.
14. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
15. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
16. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
17. Bright as Alaska in December.
18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
20. Fell out of the family tree.
21. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
22. Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it.
23. He's so dense, light bends around him.
24. If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund.
25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change.
27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
28. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
29. One neurone short of a synapse.
30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.
32. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
33. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
34. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
By Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | Thoughts from work | Add a comment » | Started by Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | My boss came in one morning and caught me hugging my secretary. He said in a rage, "Is this what you get paid for ?" I told him, "Nope ! I do this for free."
This same boss was into all this dumb inspirational and motivation stuff too. I remember once he posted a sign which read "Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday." I couldn't resist and added a note: "And now you know why too".
Once I came upon this pretty new temp standing in front of the paper shredder with a confused look on her face. I asked if she needed any help and she said, "Yeah, how does this thing work ?" I took the papers from her hand and demonstrated how to work the shredder. She stood there a moment with yet another confused expression, so I said, "Any questions ?" She said, "Yeah, exactly where do the copies come out from ?"
People always say that hard work never killed anybody. Oh yeah ??? When's the last time ya ever heard of anyone who "rested to death".
Being punctual in our Office was of no benefit what-so-ever. There was never anybody around to appreciate it.
Our Office was always on the cutting edge of technology. Not only did we have computers which spoke as well as listened; Hell, some of them even got ulcers.
Did ya ever notice the people who complain the most about not having enough time to do all their work are the same ones who always stop & tell everyone that they don't have enuff time to do all their work.
By Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | Quotes Taken from actual performance evaluations: | Add a comment » | Started by Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
By Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | Top 25 Engineer's Terms and Expressions (What they say versus what they mean) | Add a comment » | Started by Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still guessing at this point.)
Close project coordination. (We sat down and had coffee together.)
An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach. (We just hired three punk kids out of school.)
Major technological breakthrough! (It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!)
Customer satisfaction is believed assured. (We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.)
Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)
Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it actually worked!)
The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only guy who understood the thing quit.)
It is in process. (It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.)
We will look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems already.)
Please note and initial. (Let's spread the responsibility for this.)
Give us the benefit of your thinking. (We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we have already done or with what we are going to do.)
Give us your interpretation. (We can't wait to hear your bull.)
See me or let's discuss. (Come to my office, I've messed up again.)
All new. (Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.)
Rugged. (Don't plan to lift it without major equipment.)
Robust! (Rugged, but more so)
Light weight. (Slightly lighter than rugged)
Years of development. (One finally worked)
Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off.)
No maintenance. (Impossible to fix)
Low maintenance. (Nearly impossible to fix)
Fax me the data. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)
We are following the standard! (That's the way we have always done it!)
I didn't get your e-mail. (I haven't checked my e-mail for days.)
By Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | ==================== Biggest tool ==================== | Add a comment » | Started by Priya Jayadevan, Sr Recruiter at Wipro Technology | | A substitute teacher walks into the classroom on the blackboard she sees a message. It says, "Jimmy Poole, has got the biggest tool, in the whole damn school!"
She yells, "Whose Jimmy Poole?"
This kid in the back stands up and says, "I'm Jimmy Poole."
"Well, Jimmy, your staying after school!"
The very next day when the substitute teacher walks in, she looks up at the blackboard and written on it, it says, "PAYS to ADVERTISE.
By Priya Jayadevan, Sr Recruiter at Wipro Technology | | ============================= The way the Brain works ============================= | Add a comment » | Started by Priya Jayadevan, Sr Recruiter at Wipro Technology | | John was waiting for his love....
"30 minutes late!!", his brain shouted at him, "Last time you were 5 mins late and she had literally gobbled u up ... remember??"
"Yeah yeah", he said to his brain, "You know her ... all moody and stuff .... oh there she is"
"Scold her OK?", his brain adviced.
"OK I will try"
Sweet Sally comes with the cutest smile and says "Im sorry honey ... I was shopping for shoes ... totally forgot about you"
"What if you had said that line buddy?", shouted his brain .... "she would have had a nervous breakdown"
John ignored his brain .. "Its OK honey .. its only half an hour .. no problem"
She smiled once again .. held his hand and asked "Hope you remember what occasion is today"
"OMG!!!", thought John .....
"Brain ... search database for reminders, anniversaries, silly anniversaries, birthdays and birthdays of people I dont care about"
Brain got into action ... he started delegating work to different parts ... parallel processing .. multiple search .......... complete memory scan.
Sally stared at John .... "Hello!! u have been staring at me for 2 minutes now ... u OK?"
"Huh!!!", he said, "Oh ... nothing's wrong .. was lost in thought"
"No records found", said the brain ...
"Damn!!", thought John
"So what say ... how do we celebrate this day?", she asked.
John is all confused ... "Ask her ...dumbo?". said the brain
"OK OK ...stop pushing me"
"Honey .. U know my lousy memory .. I guess I cant recall what today is"
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT T!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!" , she shouted ... and started crying.
"How could you forget!! ..... its my doggy's birthday"
"!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!"
A moment of silence.
His entire brain staff was laughing at him.
John was dumbfounded. "What the hell am I supposed to do know?", he asked his brain.
"Damage control sequence initialized ... dont worry our specialist will comeback with the perfect line to make everything all right"
"Better do it fast ..brainy"
The brain was working at 90% capacity.... gathering and analyzing all data on 'How to handle women?'
Finally an answer was computed and communicated to John.
He looked up to her, and said "Of Course I remember your doggie's birthday ... how can I forget that sweet mutt's special day"
She looked up with utter surprise ...
"HUH!!!!!!! ....... Doggy is the name of my cat you jerk"
She stood up angrily and left. John and his brain were left there clueless ....
By Priya Jayadevan, Sr Recruiter at Wipro Technology | | =================== Mugged by snails =================== | Add a comment » | Started by Priya Jayadevan, Sr Recruiter at Wipro Technology | | A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails.
A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied
“I don't know, it all happened so fast.”
By Priya Jayadevan, Sr Recruiter at Wipro Technology | | Do you really want to get hired? Get tried and tested tips to increase your chance of getting that dream job! http://alturl.com/t2t3 | Add a comment » | Started by Sally Carmichael, Human Resources Consultant at NextGen Marketing Professionals | | Get Hired Now! Attend this FREE Webinar and FIND OUT WHAT HIRING MANAGERS LOOK FOR IN APPLICANTS LIKE YOU. http://alturl.com/t2t3
Knowing what HRD managers and hiring specialists LOOK FOR and WANT
before you even enter the interview room increases your chance of
getting that job by as much as 50%!
Learn practical lessons and proven advice on:
• Creating the right and lasting impression upon the interviewer
• Showcasing what makes you stand out during the job interview
• Highlighting that you’re a good fit for the job
• Projecting self-confidence
• Drawing their attention to your capabilities that is so right for the job.
Want more tips? Attend this free 60-minute Job Search Webinar and learn more powerful tips and techniques to succeed at every step of the job search! PLUS, there will be a Q&A session at the end of the webinar to ask those questions you’ve been wanting to ask for so long.
You don’t want to miss this great opportunity. Seating is limited, so register NOW at: http://alturl.com/t2t3
By Sally Carmichael, Human Resources Consultant at NextGen Marketing Professionals | | How to generate exposure for your business using Social Media Marketing Solutions? Find out how this tool can give your business that much-needed ROI. http://alturl.com/fncj | Add a comment » | Started by Elizabeth White, Inside Sales Manager at Digiwave Enterprises, Inc | | Traditional marketing monologue has become a dialogue.
What are you getting from the conversation?
(Hint: If your answer does not include "additional revenue," "qualified lead generation" and "increased ROI on Social Media Marketing spend," you'll want to attend this free, 60-minute webinar—a $149 value—that will teach you:
• How to get started and where to begin
• The 5 Steps of Effective Social Networking for entrepreneurs and executives
• Proven Social Network Marketing best practices—and what doesn't work
• Valuable solutions to minimize your time investment and costs to maximize your returns
Plus, you'll get real success stories from real people generating sizable revenue from their participation in Social Media.)
Your customers
, prospects and competitors are sharing information every day through Social Media channels, building relationships, strengthening brands and increasing prospects. With millions of prospects at your fingertips, you should be, too.
Attend our free, 90-minute Webinar http://alturl.com/fncj
, "Capitalizing on the Conversation," and you'll learn how to execute a well-planned Social Media Marketing strategy that can:
• Generate exposure for your business
• Increase traffic to your site
• Build new business partnerships
• Bring in new, qualified leads
There are a limited number of spots available for this Webinar, and they are filling up quickly, so if you are interested in maximizing your investment in social media, please take a moment and register now by visiting: http://alturl.com/fncj
By Elizabeth White, Inside Sales Manager at Digiwave Enterprises, Inc | | So did your job match the interview? | Add a comment » | Started by Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all of her friends and they were all dressed in fine evening wear and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.
They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing.
She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went back up to the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today you're staff."
By Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | A little boy goes to his Dad and asks, "What is politics?" | Add a comment » | Started by Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | A little boy goes to his Dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well, son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper, so the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in Deep Shit."
By Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | Getting educated(In order 2assure highest levels of quality work 4m students,programme of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (SHIT).VR trying 2give our students more SHIT than anyone else) | Add a comment » | Started by Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | Getting educated(In order 2assure highest levels of quality work 4m students,it wil b our policy 2keep al students well taught through our programme of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (SHIT).VR trying 2give our students more SHIT than anyone else).
Students who don't take their SHIT will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (DEEP SHIT). Those who fail to take DEEP SHIT seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (EAT SHIT). Since our lecturers took SHIT before they graduated, they don't have to do SHIT anymore, and are all full of SHIT already.
If you are full of SHIT, you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDINGLECTURE LIST (BULL SHIT).
For students who are intending to pursue a career in management and consultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (MORE SHIT). This course emphasizes on how to manage MORE SHIT.
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (HOT SHIT).
By Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | What job ads really mean | Add a comment » | Started by Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | Competitive salary
We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.
Join our fast-paced company
We have no time to train you.
Casual work atmosphere
We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
Some overtime required
Some every night and some every weekend.
Duties will vary
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
Must have an eye for detail
We have no quality assurance.
Career-minded
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
Apply in person
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told that the position has been filled.
Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience
You'll need it to replace the three people who just quit.
Problem-solving skills a must
You're walking into perpetual chaos.
Requires team leadership skills
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
Good communication skills
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
By Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | The brains of a four-year-old(The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and establishes whether you are qualified to be a "professional") | Add a comment » | Started by Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | Scroll down for the answer. The questions are not that difficult.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator ?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Wrong Answer : Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the door.
Correct Answer : Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference; all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Correct Answer : The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator.
This tests your memory.
OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions, correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting!
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Andersen Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.
By Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | ANTI-STRESS DIET(dis is a specially formulated diet designed 2help women cope wth stress tht builds up during the day) | Add a comment » | Started by Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | BREAKFAST
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole-wheat toast
1 cup skim milk
LUNCH
A small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey kiss
AFTERNOON TEA
the rest of the kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen Daas ice cream with choc-chip topping
DINNER
4 bottles of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 Snickers bars
LATE NIGHT SNACK
whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)
REMEMBER:
STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS "DESSERTS"
Send this to all the women you know or ever knew, and you will immediately lose 10 pounds.
By Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | A prayer for the stressed people in world... | Add a comment » | Started by Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill today because they got on my nerves.
Also help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the feet I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me always to give 100% at work...
12% on Monday,
23%on Tuesday,
40% on Wednesday,
20% on Thursday, and
5% on Friday.
Help me to remember...
When I'm having a bad day and it seems that people are trying to wind me up, it takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only four to extend my arm and smack someone in the mouth!
By Deva Raju, Sr. Technical recruiter at Makro Technologies, Inc | | Do you think it's hard to be "green?" | 6 comments » | Started by Alice Dudrick, Business Leader | Shaklee Independent Distributor | Sales & Marketing Coordinator | | I am trying to think green by hanging clothes in my yard like in olden days where we didn't had dryers atleast during all this summer. Also slowing getting used to avoid plastic bags for groceries.
By Swapna Gubbala, Developer Analyst at Legg Mason | Don't want to receive email notifications? Adjust your message settings. LinkedIn values your privacy. At no time has LinkedIn made your email address available to any other LinkedIn user without your permission. © 2010, LinkedIn Corporation. |
No comments:
Post a Comment